Letters to the Editor
Deirdre Seim
Published Letters: 6 Editor's Choice: 2
-
We have rejected societal traditions, but are now sold "traditions" instead
[Read the article: The marriage industrial complex]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Once upon a time there were social "rules" for social "events", including weddings. The rules reserved the elaborate gowns and baubles for the rich, the poor were expected to follow a different set rules dictating simple arrangements that didn't attempt to ape the rich. We have rejected all of those old "rules" as a society -- and that has been, in many ways, very democratic and freeing.
But our wholesale rejection of those rules created a vacuum in which the wedding industry (and the funereal industry) grew. Because the average bride/groom and family attempting to give what was once a strictly upper class wedding have absolutely no idea what the "rules" were to such events they are sold all of these fake traditions/essentials by consultants/printers/hall renters/bridal shops all telling them that they "must" have cash bars or reply cards or limos or whatever else makes the vendors a buck.
Most brides no longer even view a wedding as a "social" event that they or their families are hosting-- instead they seem to see it as a stage production for which rented costumes are appropriate and guests are simply an audience for pageantry (rather than intimates who must be greeted and treated well).
-
"I feel so guilty" just code for "Look how much I care!"
[Read the article: The other mothers]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I don’t believe that much of the hand wringing guilt still exists. Frankly, I think displays of maternal “guilt” about: a) working b) not working c) having any activity outside of the children, are just the now currency of maternal “love”—As in, “Look how guilty I feel, I must be a really caring, loving mom!”
I have been, through the years-- a married lower middle class stay at home mom, a single working mom, an upper middle class stay at home mom, an upper class mom doing charity work while having full time “help” and am currently a upper class “working” mom with part time help…….AND, guess what? I never pretended to “feel guilty” about any of those choices. True feeling of guilt would induce a change of behavior (if change is possible—and really, most two earner families that can afford nannies could also afford to be one earner families if they really believed that was a better choice).
The truth is that children are adaptable and can grow up in a wide range of care with great results. The things that really affect outcome are a)having two involved parents b) not being poor c) having time together as a family to talk, eat, read and live.
All the rest—whether mommy is a lawyer or a homemaker, whether daddy is a stay at home dad or an executive—are basically unimportant details.
-
What duty, exactly?
[Read the article: Diana's birthday]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Tina Brown says that Prince William
"has been steeped from the cradle in the inevitable duty that is his lot.
Duty to what exactly? Stand around being a toursist attraction? Keep the tabloids busy?
-
Bridal rage? No, just another wedding product.....
[Read the article: Wedding trashers]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]If I read this article correctly, the entire "trash the dress" photo product was created and is now being pushed by wedding photographers. Not "rebellious brides". The whole bridal rebellion idea seems to a plant, a cover story, a plausible supposition by the photographers rolling out an exciting new wedding product!
Like the after dinner mints the writer seems so obsessed with, the "trash the dress" photo shoot will inevitably become just another wedding product on a long list of essential expenditures. Another product dictated by the wedding industrial complex and pushed on confused couples raised in a society where traditions have been replaced by profit opportunities.
The photos will be meekly purchased by couples trying to live up to a wedding ideal created by those out to make a buck. "Oh, everyone has ___ (insert those mints, or rose canopies, reply cards, horse drawn carriages, trash the dress photos) now,you must have that!" the wedding planner states confidently. And for full retail plus her 15% you will.....
Not that I want to defend all those old "traditions"- most were class based, many were oppressive and nearly all were jettisoned with some real justification. But without them, new generations have come along with no real pattern for the major life events but still feeling the same old yearning to mark them in a big, meaningful, public way.
And into that gap stepped a thousand eager salesmen, selling instant tradition, instant validation, instant grandeur and a little fairy dust. And now, even a little arty post wedding "rebellion" can be yours--Free! In your all inclusive photography package! Just a few thousand dollars for the photographic documentation of your life changeing event!
-
Um, She hasn't forgiven Grandma.....
[Read the article: My Southern grandmother is dying, and I don't want to go back]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]If you are withholding a 10 minute phone call from a dying woman, you clearly haven't "forgiven her". Please, if you knew you could ease the mind of a total stranger who was near death with a few minutes on the phone, wouldn't you? To refuse such a small, easy thing to human nearing death indicates a lot of anger still simmering under there and a real need to punish grandma......
-
Why can't she just tell him this hurts?
[Read the article: My boyfriend is checking out chicks while I'm standing right there!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]It is never polite to stare at a stranger, beautiful or grotesaque. So, the letter writer's guy is engaging in behavior that is ill-mannered, even if letter writer wasn't present. If the letter writer can detect the "checking out", then so can the objects of this rude behavior.
Aside from that obvious ettiquette point, it seems to me that if you have been involved with someone for an entire year and don't feel you can have an honest discussion with him about a behavior that you find hurtful-- you don't have much actual intimacy.
Itimacy is about just this kind of risk taking. "That hurts, please stop","This feels good, do it some more" are phrases that apply to more than just how your bodies fit together, they are also useful in negotiating how your minds and emotions can be harmonious together. Thoughtful people attempting to live in an intimate relationship make many little modifications to behaviors for their partners. This seems like an easy one to ask for.