Letters to the Editor
uncle randy
Published Letters: 5
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Politics are entertaining
[Read the article: So have a lot of people]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]The greatest thing about an election year is the infinite number of mockable moments. The Iowa Caucuses is just one of the first.
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Elvis is alive and so are we
[Read the article: Just follow the map ]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]If you're taking a road trip through America, by Uncle Randy
Elvis is NOT dead and I'm feeling pretty good about it.
Bill Beeny believes.
For the last 17 years, the 81 year old has run the Elvis is Alive Museum. He has FBI files and photographs, along with replicas of the King's casket, gravestone and Cadillac, and a 16-foot sign of a rhinestone-belted Elvis holding a microphone. How much more proof does a body need?
If that's not enough, Beeeny wrote a book, "Elvis' DNA Proves He's Alive!" In it, Beeny says he got his hands on a bit of Elvis's DNA from a Memphis doctor, and that it doesn't match the DNA from the cadaver the FBI claims is Elvis.
Let's put it this way: Ya gotta have faith. Where do you place yours? In a federal agency that, if it ever told the truth it would have to lie to cover it up, or Bill Beeny the Baptist minister?
I thought so.
Like the King himself, the museum has humble roots. It's a converted coin laundry about 55 miles west of St. Louis. Beeny's closing it to launch a ministry for the folks in Warren County, which is growing like Pamela Anderson's bra size after a trip to her doctor's office. Lives change, including Beeny's and Elvis's, but "You have to let go," Beeny says.
Elvis had a great reason to go: He's in the federal Witness Protection Program, which leads us right back to those conspiratorial rascals at the FBI.
So far, Elvis has had no comment, which only further proves Beeny's point.
On the other hand, comedian Vic Henley cites the science of the matter when he wisely points out that Elvis's daughter married Michael Jackson, and if that doesn't get his "jumpsuit wearing ass" out of hiding, nothing ever will.
So as the King so often said, "Thank you, thank you very much."
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Hillary couldn't beat a house plant
[Read the article: Andrea Mitchell's strange attack against Clinton]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]by Uncle Randy
In the Buckle of the Bible Belt, Iowans went for Barack and the Baptist.
And they reminded us that in Blue Collar America, Hillary couldn't beat a house plant in the Heartland.
With the Iowa caucuses over last night, Iowans today are sitting by the phone like a fat girl on prom night, waiting for someone to ask their opinion on either the affairs of state or the state of their corn crop. It also means that the hordes of television reporters have returned to Los Angeles and Miami, and Iowans no longer have to listen to them whine that Midwest is cold in the winter - which is one of the features of areas that do not have indifferent weather, like New Hampshire where they're headed next.
It seems an awful fuss for nothing. No delegates are awarded, no one gets elected.
It carries all the real world importance of elections for the Homecoming Queen. But if the criteria for winning the Iowa Caucuses is looking good in a formal gown, Rudy Guiliani would have won in a landslide.
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Hillary couldn't beat a house plant
[Read the article: Barack delivers, Hillary disappoints]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]by Uncle Randy
In the Buckle of the Bible Belt, Iowans went for Barack and the Baptist.
And they reminded us that in Blue Collar America, Hillary couldn't beat a house plant in the Heartland.
With the Iowa caucuses over last night, Iowans today are sitting by the phone like a fat girl on prom night, waiting for someone to ask their opinion on either the affairs of state or the state of their corn crop. It also means that the hordes of television reporters have returned to Los Angeles and Miami, and Iowans no longer have to listen to them whine that Midwest is cold in the winter - which is one of the features of areas that do not have indifferent weather, like New Hampshire where they're headed next.
It seems an awful fuss for nothing. No delegates are awarded, no one gets elected.
It carries all the real world importance of elections for the Homecoming Queen. But if the criteria for winning the Iowa Caucuses is looking good in a formal gown, Rudy Guiliani would have won in a landslide.