Letters to the Editor
Olaighaire
Published Letters: 28 Editor's Choice: 2
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Not heaven
[Read the article: We're sick of Southern California! Should we move to the Midwest? ]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Whoa, there, Spanky! A short visit to the Midwest does not guarantee that you'll love it. I'm from the Midwest and it's not heaven here. Things that annoy me about living in the Midwest:
There are a lot of Christians here and if you're not religious, it can be hard to make connections in a new community because you don't go to church, which is where everyone else is making their social connections.
Smaller Midwestern cities like St. Louis and Minneapolis have a small number of immigrants and a large number of natives. That means people have the same friends for 10 or 20 years. That's great if you're a native but hard to deal with if you're new in town and trying to make new friends. They're not necessarily open to new friends.
Midwesterners are a bit provincial and skeptical and not always open to new experiences. That can be healthy. It can also be frustrating. How do you KNOW that you don't like ____________ (fill in the blank) if you've never tried it.
Midwesterners in smaller cities (not Chicago) are socially conservative and many are somewhat racist, classist, sexist and homophobic. The homophobia and classism can be pretty open. There's a lot of politeness to your face and a lot of snickering behind your back if you're different.
The weather in Wisconsin, Minnesota and Chicago sucks. They have harsh winters. You might not think it matters, but you won't know until you try it for a year. I lived in Minnesota for four years (south of the Twin Cities) and thought I was never going to be warm again. I gained 30 pounds because I couldn't walk, run or bike outside for 5 months of the year. The earliest snow was 13 inches on October 31. The latest snow was 3 inches on Memorial Day weekend. I kid you not.
If you move to Kansas City or St. Louis or more Southern cities in the Midwest, you need to know that the summers are sweltering. We get as hot and humid as Atlanta or New Orleans. It totally sucks.
That said the cost of living is very reasonable here and Wisconsin, Illinois and Minnesota have excellent public school systems in most places. Housing is cheap, cheap, cheap, when you compare it to the coasts. Many Midwestern cities have good professional job markets. (Detroit --- not so much.)
Chicago is a wonderful city. It's both sophisticated and friendly, with an exceptional arts community. A lot of people move to Chicago, so it doesn't have the same type of closed-off social structure that other Midwestern cities can have.
Do your research. Good luck.
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You're so much alike
[Read the article: My sister triggers my rage]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]You're angry because you're jealous. You're angry because you desperately want to connect to your mother and you feel like you can't. Your sister is a flake. She did nothing right. She didn't get over it. You've worked hard to get over it, but she's the one who gets the wealthy husband and gets your mother's attention. She doesn't even give you a chance to have your mother's attention for a few minutes when she is lives close to your mother and you are calling from far, far away. It's not fair.
Maybe your sister feels the same way and you're caught in a sort of competition for your mother's attention. She might be jealous of you because you got away. She might be angry with because you want to take your mother away when it's all she has. It's not fair.
One of the suggestions in AA is that if you resent someone, pray for her everyday. If you don't pray, say affirmations for her everyday. Send good thoughts to her. Wish that she gets everything her heart desires. It's hard at first, but eventually the anger will fade. It's hard to have good wishes for someone and to be angry with them at the same time.
Another suggestion from AA is to write down an inventory of the other person. Put your sister's name on top of a piece of paper and write down every personality flawthat person pisses you off. Now put your name on top of the paper and put down your sister's personality flaws on that piece of paper. Work on correcting those personality flaws in yourself. Practice not being needy and demanding of your mother's attention. Practice having love and tolerance for your sister's neediness towards your mother. See if you feel better about your sister after you do this for a few weeks.
Good luck. Families were made to make us do the crazy.
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NO, NO, NO, NO
[Read the article: My wife thinks I'm cheating on her -- but I'm not!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]NO! NO! NO! OMG, Cary just gave you the worst advice, ever. You are the victim of domestic violence. She is physically abusing you. I don't care if she can't really hurt you with her fist because you're a big strong guy. She's completely out of line. People should not hit the ones they love. EVER. It's also likely that she's will elevate her level of violence as her paranoia continues.
I'm sorry she's having problems with stress. It's not an excuse for her violent behavior and her fits of irrational jealousy. You need to tell her to get help. You don't need to change your behavior to earn her trust. She needs to seek therapy so that she can learn to trust you.
If you were the woman and she was the man, I would tell you to walk out of the marriage right now. Just leave. You can't fix a violent spouse until they want to get fixed.
The jealousy thing? That's typical of violent spouses.