This letter gives me the chills. You need a break; a separation from Dee.

I have dated many divorced men who have tried in vain to make their ex-wives "happy" and, in my 20s, *I* was one of those women who just couldn't be "made" happy.

This young woman may be wonderful in many ways, but she has the classic flaw of young, neurotic, anxious, depressed people who likely come from troubled families of origin:

NO ONE will make her happy until she deals head-on with her anxiety and depression. She may not be happy until she's 38 or 45 or 62. She'll get there, but it may not be on your timetable.

Throwing jewelry across the room and hoping it will break is your signal to take a breather and separate for a few months.

I have a sixth sense you want to, based on these questions - which frame the situation as what Dee deserves, rather than what YOU deserve. I will answer your questions:

1. Is there anything I can do to salvage this relationship?

Perhaps, but it is not in your best interests right now. You need a kind, gentle and loving young woman who isn't wrapped up in a car, a house and a wedding. If that person is Dee, fine. If not, then you must make choices. You need a woman who is wrapped up in YOU, and ideas, and having fun, and taking trips, and reading, and laughing. Dee's "interests" are material goods and pleasing her family. She doesn't really seem to care about YOUR best interests. Her interests have nothing to do with bettering herself. They involve loans and mortgages. They're all about what you (or the next guy) can do for her.

2. Is she wasting her time on me, as she clearly states in our arguments?

The fact that the focus is on her needs, and not yours, is an ominous sign. The question you need to ask is: Am I wasting my time on her?

3. Is it fair to ask that she continue to sacrifice for me?

She's not sacrificing for you. Living like a 20-something in low-cost apartments while one partner is in school is standard. It's not a sacrifice, regardless of what she calls it.

4. I shudder to ask, but would she be better off without me in her life completely?

The shudder may also be related to the question you need to ask yourself: Would *I* be better off without her in my life completely?

DO NOT continue a relationship with someone who throws things at you and who lambastes you for being in school in your 20s. You don't owe her financial security. You don't "owe" her anything.

Take a break. Tell her you and she need a couple of months apart and that the wedding is off for now. Tell her you can't marry someone who attacks you. Tell her she needs to seek therapy for her behavior, and you'll reconnect in a few months and talk.

Call it a separation, not a breakup. See how you feel in a few months. If she goes into therapy and works on herself, she loves you. If she doesn't, she doesn't love you. You haven't described a loving person. She loves you as best she can at this stage of her development; she can't properly love you or anyone else because she's too wrapped up in herself right now. You deserve to be with someone who loves you. If it turns out to be Dee, that is great. If not, that will be great, too.

Just remember: you chose Dee and you could choose the same personality type again. Don't denigrate yourself by choosing a manipulative, self-involved woman. If you do end up moving on, choose someone self-aware and KIND.

I wrote a long-winded response and just saw SB's post. This says it ALL.

--BTW...

What's up with writing to an advice columnist that she reads? Passive-aggressive? Trying to get her to dump you? That might work. Try standing up for yourself next time.

-- SB ---

Do what SB suggests next time around - instead of letting Salon LWs speak the words you're afraid to speak, talk to your partner directly. And don't make Dee or the next woman go through the pain of breaking up with you, when you're the one who wants to break up. Don't foist off your dirty work.