I just noticed anyjenny's posting after I posted...she summed up the miserable life in a nutshell.

"They are hell to live with, hell to be married to, hell to be parented by."

I've been parented by someone like this, and it was hell. You will resent your own children if you marry this man. Your relationship with them will be fractured for life.

If you're older, these deals with the devil are between you...and the devil. But when you bring children into the mix...god help everyone...

The most important line in the LW's letter is this:

'But then I look at my parents, who embody passionate, romantic love, and I rethink things and wonder if I do have the chance for that kind of love, for that kind of deep understanding from another person.'

**that kind of deep understanding from another person.**

I actually agree a teeny tiny bit with abrmamian? sorry...not looking at your name...

I don't think it's important that someone knock your socks off and I do agree that committing to a relationship - flawed though it may be - is a good thing, because no one really gets everything they "want," which often is a fantasy.

However, it seems profoundly important that someone get that "deep understanding from another person."

If that isn't part of the mix, there is no point in being married, unless marriage to both parties just means splitting the bills and the household chores. This is not a bad thing in and of itself for, say, a 65-year old, but God help you, not for a 25-year-old.

However, before you break it off, LW, ask yourself this: Does he not have a deep understanding of you because of limitations in his world-view/personality/values/maturity or because you are not sharing enough of yourself to give him this understanding?

Look first to see what you contribute. If he is the type of person who is not interested in a deep understanding - of anyone - including himself - you've got your answer and can move on with peace, and the knowledge you've done what any emotionally healthy person would do.

If his lack of "deep understanding" is related to your inability to share your deepest, most personal thoughts with him, you should look more closely at the situation before calling it quits.

That "deep understanding" from a partner is often the result of making yourself deeply vulnerable *to* your partner.

My guess is that the LW is single. Anyone who has been married at one time, or is currently married, knows that making bizarre mate choices (bizarre to others, that is) is almost standard. I know a man who has been married for 20 years to a non-working woman who spent $150,000 on clothes last year. They are comfortable but not super-rich. I imagine (hope) he makes $300,000 a year. But whatever he makes, he strikes me as perfectly happy and knows his wife has a problem. He gently tries to help her, but, in the end, he is wildly attracted to her - after 20 years of marriage. The man is 60 and it's his third marriage. She adores him and does all the talking at his doctor's appointments; she does most of the driving when they go somewhere. This may not be ideal for you or me, but it is for them. Wait til you get married and you'll see how this all works...

I've never heard of this writer, so went to check out her site and saw this:

--As a journalist, Erin’s passion has always been injecting the personal in features, commentary, criticism and essays. One of her most-remembered pieces is “The Butt,” an essay for the LA Weekly that pondered the many social and psychological ramifications of having the pronounced backside typical of black women ( Erin was the body model for the photos that ran with the story. She thought she would go unrecognized; she did not).--

Erin's "passion" as a journalist is injecting herself [and clearly her butt] into features, commentary, criticism and essays? We don't call that journalism, we call it narcissism.

Check out the photos on her site:

http://www.erinaubrykaplan.net/photos.htm

Honestly, I think if Michelle read this butt piece, she would feel embarrassed *for* Aubry Kaplan, not embarrassed *by* her.

Can you imagine a male journalist plastering his web site with come-hither photos?

Aubry Kaplan seems like the kind of person who needs to be saved from herself. Joan Walsh let her down - bigtime.

Apparently, Erin Aubry Kaplan published two previous articles on butts; this is the third. Each one discussed in great detail - her own butt. Apparently, in the LA Weekly (?) story, there were photos of Erin's butt.

People are mostly outraged that Joan Walsh enabled Kaplan's narciss-ism to masquerade as journal-ism.

I feel worst for the black women, most of whom have commented here that the article was deeply offensive, although I think a couple thought it was worthy.

My sweetheart, who is black, relayed this story: A bunch of guys in his office were trying to decide where to go to lunch. They turned to my sweetheart and said: "Hey, Don, we figured you'd be the one in the office who'd know of the best fried chicken place."

People like Erin Aubry Kaplan indirectly encourage this level of discourse.

Btw, even though my sweetheart is black, he had no idea where the best fried chicken place could be found. Go figure.