AnnJustine: I apologize for picking on you, but as the child of someone with similar beliefs to yours, I am compelled (clearly...) to weigh in and speak for children of mothers like yourself.

You say:

"I have survived a 20-year marriage of abuse and neglect... we are finally getting a glimpse of the happiness we hoped for when we got married."

You finally say:

"Don’t just throw your husband out like a piece of garbage. He might be a gem after all…"

Your husband, a grown man, would not be thrown out like a piece of garbage. He presumably has a job, could get an apartment, and would eventually find a new partner.

Your children have lived in the house, too, but they have never had the opportunity to move out, find a job, and get new parents.

They, like you, have been prisoners, and they also have witnessed and no doubt been victims of abuse themselves.

In implying that you put your marriage first, you are too ashamed to admit that for ~ 20 years, you have put yourself first and your children second.

Your children are well aware of this and they will live with this damage throughout their lives. I think it's commendable the way you recognize your contributions to the abuse, but did you really need to sacrifice your own children for your psychology lesson?

Any woman who puts an abuser's as well as her own needs before those of her children is profoundly self-centered and is missing a maternal instinct.

So, the marriage you had hoped for is finally being realized after 20 years. I guess congratulations. You've gotten what you wanted but your children's lives will be an uphill battle and they'll likely be consumers of antidepressants and life-long therapy.

Even with an arsenal of drugs and support, I know I will never fully recover from knowing that my mother saved herself before saving us.

Perhaps you are finally developing strength of character, but don't kid yourself about who has been treated like garbage.

Staying with an abuser is treating your own children like garbage. Take it from someone who has been a child of a mother just like you.

You owe your children an apology, and giving them such an apology could literally alter the course of their lives.

If you are a child of abuse, you know of what I speak.

Has anyone read the book "Gook: John McCain's Racism and Why it Matters" by Irwin Tang? It has only one review on amazon. I just ordered it. I wonder why it hasn't gotten more traction? Maybe not well written? Or, maybe well written but not well marketed? I look forward to finding out. I hope others do, too.

http://www.amazon.com/Gook-John-McCains-Racism-Matters/dp/0967943345/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1223681671&sr=1-1

This clip should be getting more attention:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z2rpvj9NSXM

There's no reason to believe this is a fake letter, but there are elements that are missing.

The LW says this:

"We both need a lot of space and alone time so we decided to live separately after six months of marriage. Also, for me, coming from living alone to living with a man and his two teenage boys would not work for me."

How could you know a man and his sons for four and a half years, not live together during that entire time, and then get married and move in, only to move out 6 months later because you knew all along you couldn't live there?

What I get from this letter is this: They knew each other for four and a half years, but the boys didn't necessarily know her. Or at least know her as his lover.

The man was married when he met her, they had an affair and it broke up his marriage. After the breakup, they decide to make the relationship public and get married. She comes out of the shadows or from another city and moves in with him.

Six months later, the new wife (LW) says: "I never really wanted to live with you in the first place. I had no idea what it would be like, given that we each previously had separate lives. Sure, it was nice having an affair with you, but I'm not really into this new family thing."

He says: "But I agreed to marry you after my divorce was finalized because I knew how much you wanted a baby, but I didn't realize you wanted only the baby but not the "family thing.""

Ok, I'm making this up, but it sounds plausible based on what she's *not* telling us.

If the LW were 50, 60 or 70, I'd encourage her to hold onto a good thing. But she's in her mid-20s and may someday have children. I would think it's imperative to be deeply in love with the man with whom you will build a family. The type of resignation the LW points to is something that divorced and widowed people with grown children are most comfortable with. These are people whose lives are mostly behind, but not ahead, of them. (I'm 48; I can say this...).

I don't think that kind of resignation (not the best word...) is appropriate for someone in his or her 20s. It is actually a sensible way to live as one gets older. But if you're in your 20s, you have your whole life ahead of you! I can't imagine 'resigning' that young...Take it from me...there will be plenty of time in your life to settle, resign yourself, make compromises, etc. This is the time in your life where you are most likely to find what you want and need. And if you do...the chances that you will need to later resign yourself to whatever you can get will be greatly diminished.