Did you notice that the letter writer called the friendships that she's fretting over "second-tier friendships"?

I actually regret having gone to a couple of the weddings of second-tier friends during my immediate post-college years.

The resentments I built up about the hundreds of dollars (a huge amount of money in those days) I had to shell out for hotels, dresses, flights, etc., actually made me resent these friends, and I'm not close with them now (but I never was...).

However, a first-tier friend recently told me she's getting married, and I am overwhelmed with excitement. The event will involve travel, hotel and a dress, and I'm looking forward to spending every penny it will involve. I even have to miss a critical conference at work. C'est la vie. My (first-tier) friend is getting married!!!

Second-tier friends who live far away probably don't come to your house to help you when you're really sick or immobile - and you probably don't go to their houses either.

If you believe any of these old college friends are people with whom you could, over time, develop a first-tier bond, go to the wedding. If you are sure you know these people and yourself well enough to know that there's no substance to these friendships, don't go, and don't feel guilty about it.

I know I've already weighed in on this, and the LW has gotten many excellent responses, but I just want to comment on something a new responder X. Paloverde said, in case the LW is still reading:

I agree that the "couples therapy" and even "therapy" model for relationships where one person is clearly disturbed is downright dangerous.

The best therapists - and these therapists are few and far between - most people will never meet one - will tell you to LISTEN TO YOUR GUT.

You will rarely hear this from any therapist, as they're too busy having you weigh 17 options and look at the problem from 47 angles.

The answer is always inside you. The tragic part about therapy is that people seek out therapists to help them get at their feelings, and instead generally get a kindly, well-meaning highly patronizing person in the "helping professions" who looks at the situation academically.

It took one sentence from a normal therapist to get me to leave an abusive relationship. I think he simply said: "Would you have someone as a friend that exhibited this behavior?"

I've seen therapists who want to fully explore the Harville Hendrix bullshit about how it's wonderful to work out your childhood issues and traumas in your current relationship; they don't seem to think you're in a good relationship unless you're in complete agony working out your issues. These well-meaning, dangerous people keep couples in "counseling" for years - and even decades.

Let me tell you, LW, when you find a partner whose mental health is good, your "relationship issues" will often disappear. The best part about hanging out with a mentally healthy partner is that your weaknesses and foibles will become ever more apparent, and you'll be able to finally confront those.

I believe in the concept of therapy, but I find most therapists to be extraordinarily dangerous people. They have been for me.

**The best therapists display the common sense of someone who doesn't practice therapy.** Guess what...you don't need a degree in psychology or 1,000 hours of training to help someone. You just need to be a secure, confident, compassionate person. Seek out that person, LW. Most psychologists and particularly psychiatrists I know are among the most insecure, self-involved people I've ever met. An insecure person cannot help you. I don't care if they have a PhD or an MD; their problems enter the therapy session whether you know it or not.

DO NOT seek couples therapy. Don't let a therapist lead you astray by contemplating what needs no contemplation. Find kind, secure, compassionate people to talk with. If one of them is a mental health professional - great. But if you sense the professional does not have these three qualities, leave the therapy.

Slowly develop a plan for the next stage of your life, and then, when you're alone with yourself, reflect on why you chose your man in the first place. There are wonderful books that can help you learn about yourself. The best therapy available is to get into a relationship (down the road, not now!) with a mentally healthy partner. That's when you'll get better. But there's time for that. Just develop a plan for now.