The kicker is the end of this letter:

"So what I am wondering is, have you ever come across this before, do you have any suggestions and can you shed any light on the psychology of this behavior? Thank you!"

After telling Cary what a miserable life she leads with this man, and how he is a self-centered parasite - not a friend, not a companion, not a lover, and most definitely not a confidante - she asks if he's ever come across this before. Whether Cary has come across it or not is beside the point.

She's come across it, and she knows it's borderline crazy.

The LW is asking if it's okay to leave someone with a personality disorder that she mistakenly married 10 years ago. Yes, LW, it's okay.

It won't be easy, but you don't currently have a partnership, so you wouldn't really be losing a partnership. You would be losing a dream - the dream of a companion who cares deeply about you and whom you care deeply about. But you don't seem to have this, so you would be losing much less than you think.

You are at the beginning of a crossroads. Thank goodness you have your friends and your church.

It sounds as if you may have been a timid, shrinking violet when you married this man (because no other personality type could tolerate the behavior you describe), and you're now coming into your own, and realizing that you deserve better treatment and maybe someday, a real companion with whom you can share your thoughts and feelings.

A marriage is not just a legal arrangement. A marriage consists of two people who each love and support each other. If you don't have this, you're not in a marriage, whether or not you have a marriage license.

Your husband probably reminds you of a family member who acted much the same way. Just because a certain behavior is familiar to you doesn't mean it's healthy for you to be around it.

Talk to a counselor, pastor or therapist and start the process of becoming healthy. Millions have walked this path. You can do it, too. Your church and your friends will support your decision and help you get through it.

I know I've already weighed in on this, and the LW has gotten many excellent responses, but I just want to comment on something a new responder X. Paloverde said, in case the LW is still reading:

I agree that the "couples therapy" and even "therapy" model for relationships where one person is clearly disturbed is downright dangerous.

The best therapists - and these therapists are few and far between - most people will never meet one - will tell you to LISTEN TO YOUR GUT.

You will rarely hear this from any therapist, as they're too busy having you weigh 17 options and look at the problem from 47 angles.

The answer is always inside you. The tragic part about therapy is that people seek out therapists to help them get at their feelings, and instead generally get a kindly, well-meaning highly patronizing person in the "helping professions" who looks at the situation academically.

It took one sentence from a normal therapist to get me to leave an abusive relationship. I think he simply said: "Would you have someone as a friend that exhibited this behavior?"

I've seen therapists who want to fully explore the Harville Hendrix bullshit about how it's wonderful to work out your childhood issues and traumas in your current relationship; they don't seem to think you're in a good relationship unless you're in complete agony working out your issues. These well-meaning, dangerous people keep couples in "counseling" for years - and even decades.

Let me tell you, LW, when you find a partner whose mental health is good, your "relationship issues" will often disappear. The best part about hanging out with a mentally healthy partner is that your weaknesses and foibles will become ever more apparent, and you'll be able to finally confront those.

I believe in the concept of therapy, but I find most therapists to be extraordinarily dangerous people. They have been for me.

**The best therapists display the common sense of someone who doesn't practice therapy.** Guess what...you don't need a degree in psychology or 1,000 hours of training to help someone. You just need to be a secure, confident, compassionate person. Seek out that person, LW. Most psychologists and particularly psychiatrists I know are among the most insecure, self-involved people I've ever met. An insecure person cannot help you. I don't care if they have a PhD or an MD; their problems enter the therapy session whether you know it or not.

DO NOT seek couples therapy. Don't let a therapist lead you astray by contemplating what needs no contemplation. Find kind, secure, compassionate people to talk with. If one of them is a mental health professional - great. But if you sense the professional does not have these three qualities, leave the therapy.

Slowly develop a plan for the next stage of your life, and then, when you're alone with yourself, reflect on why you chose your man in the first place. There are wonderful books that can help you learn about yourself. The best therapy available is to get into a relationship (down the road, not now!) with a mentally healthy partner. That's when you'll get better. But there's time for that. Just develop a plan for now.