LW, You say the man stole large sums of money from an incapacitated relative and two sentences later you say:

"I would like this man to move in with me." Regardless of whether or not he has reformed or is capable of reform, something is wrong with this picture.

I realize this is going to sound harsh, but a mentally healthy person would be repelled and repulsed by this man's statement. A healthy person would have no "desire" to live with someone who had done this; there would be disgust. You don't need to judge this man, and maybe he has changed, but something is dreadfully wrong with the entire picture.

You need to get someone to help you look at this masochistic compulsion you have to be with messed up, sociopathic people. I can only assume that one of your parents fit this bill.

It's really time to break the cycle. Do NOT move in with this man. Please find a good psychologist (I know it's difficult, and your instincts for someone "good" may not be working that well...), but do what you can. Do not further entwine your life with this man.

Learn why you are not repelled by what he's told you. I realize that no one is "normal," but you need to get a handle on what a normal reaction might be to hearing that someone had violated a relative; an incapacitated relative, no less.

Somehow, along the way, you've lost the instinct for self-protection and developed a need for masochism. I don't know enough about psychology to know why that happens, but I imagine you survived something in your life by accepting abuse, rather than being repelled by it. It was probably a survival mechanism. But you're now an adult, and you can decide whether or not others will violate you. Do NOT move in with this man. Please seek help for yourself.

LW, I am so sorry for your loss.

When your children are not around, yell and scream at your loss, at the inequity of life, at the hideous unfairness of a young/middle-aged husband dying, at his audacity to cheat, at your being alone right now.

You don't have to condone his betrayal, but I do believe that, in time ( not necessarily right now), it will help you and your children if you come to forgive him, both for cheating, but mostly for dying. His death does not allow you to confront him about his cheating, and that f---ing stinks.

Surround yourself by people, as much as you want to be alone and under the covers.

Be angry at him for as long as you need to be. A year? Take the year. I don't think you can forgive him until you experience the anger. Your anger turned inward will become depression, so get a good therapist, friend, minister or rabbi and pour your heart out to that person.

As much as you don't have the energy, try to be compassionate with your children. They will thank you by maintaining a lifelong relationship with you. If you keep them out of the muck, and focus on your legitimate need to be royally enraged at the audacity of your husband to die without covering his tracks or talking to you openly, you will get better.

If he were here now, he might explain why he made such a terrible, hurtful, idiotic mistake, and you might actually accept his apology in time. But he's not here, so you will need to have this conversation with his memory when you're able.

You will get through this. I promise you. And you are not alone. People will emerge. They will help you. Look for them.

I think the LW is well-meaning, but naive. If you're a member of any minority group - most white Americans have much to say behind your back. I don't "look" Jewish and don't have a Jewish last name, but I am Jewish; you'd be shocked how often non-Jews degrade Jews when they think a Jew isn't in the room.

My husband is black. He deals with racism on most days. Nearly all of his colleagues are white, and one in particular feels perfectly comfortable making Sambo and fried chicken jokes to his face, thinking it's funny, and that he'll think it's funny, too. If the jokes were funny, he'd laugh. He loves a good joke at anyone's expense, but the jokes are moronic. The bottom line is that most people - black and white - are pretty average and pretty dumb.

Indeed, Colin Powell and Condie Rice are more intelligent than the average human, black or white. Lots of people in this world are idiots - black and white.

Your friend may not have the IQ of an idiot, but he is very average in his beliefs, and probably reflects what most people in the U.S. think.

All I can say is welcome to reality. All you can do is live the best life you can, and let others follow your good example. That's how your friend's open-mindedness will begin.

Don't ditch him. He's likely a perfectly normal, average person who just needs his heart and his mind opened. Set an example, but don't argue with him. Only he can change his mind by growing up, growing balls, maturing. Racism = fear. He can unlearn this trait. I've seen it happen. And, if not, Cary is right. He'll die out, along with his beliefs.