The cousin has no interest in meeting with the LW. It's the LW who is pushing for this. Doesn't that tell everyone all they need to know? this reminds me of the time i was on a jury, and everyone but me voted not to convict because they felt sorry for the guy. they stated that was the reason to vote against a conviction.

i reminded people that the judge asked us to look at the evidence, and the evidence only. the evidence was pretty clear that the guy was guilty; my fellow jurors didn't deny it.

the evidence, based on this letter, is that the LW barely knows the ex; she's never 'hung out' with him alone. is this really a friendship? she asks cary if she must sever her "friendship" with the guy.

it's pretty clear the ex barely knows the LW exists. they've never even been in the same room together alone. how many friends do you have that you've never been in the same room with - alone?

the LW gets some sort of sadistic pleasure out of telling people she went on vacation w/the ex and that 'why should i halt my friendship w/the ex.'

they have no friendship. this is about goading and manipulating the cousin.

the LW has no life, and so she tells the cousin how to live, what to feel, what to talk about (the new boyfriend, not the old one), and then tries to insert herself into her cousin's life by going around talking about her 'friendship' with the cousin's ex.

the irony is that the cousin has no interest in meeting with the LW - because the LW is either intentionally cruel, not that bright, or emotionally stunted.

the LW wants to keep this drama alive, because it gives her the impression she has a life. and she loves to throw that in the cousin's face.

the drama the LW is creating *IS* her life. this letter and the responses tells her she has one.

Since when does being upset about something make you a control freak? I didn't read anywhere in the letter that the cousin requested or demanded that the LW do anything. She heard something through the grapevine that upset her.

So, if I have lunch with your boyfriend, and you hear about it through the grapevine, are you a control freak if you are upset about it?

Read the LW's letter very carefully. She goes back and forth between saying the ex is essentially a distant acquaintance to a friend. "As luck had it," they went on the same vacation. The ex probably didn't even know the LW was there.

Their "friendship" is a figment of her imagination. They share a "network," not a friendship.

This letter is not about the vacation. The cousin didn't speak to the LW after the LW came out with a most outrageous, holier-than-thou comment.

The vacation came later and is just the icing on the cake.

I really would like to see you maintain a friendship with someone who tells you "candidly" that you're fat and need to lose weight; or that your husband is something of a loser and needs a better job; or to stop complaining about your autistic son and get on with your life, for god's sake.

This letter is about the LW's need to insert herself into others' lives and create little dramas, because she doesn't have a whole heck of a lot going on in her own life.

The cousin doesn't want a meeting or a reconciliation - the LW does.

I think it's in the cousin's best interest to stay away from the LW - which is what she's been doing. She's already stayed away 7 months. She's not trying to control the LW; she's trying to avoid someone she considers toxic.

How do you control someone who you're avoiding?

And this:

"My social network has always included my cousin's ex-partner. While he and I do not often hang out alone, we do hang out on occasion with a few other folks."

She "hangs out" w/the ex-partner "on occasion" with other folks. But then at the end of her letter she asks Cary if she has to give up her "friendship" with the ex.

He is barely an acquaintance; he's in her "network."

I have weighed in twice, because this personality type presses my buttons big-time!

The same thing happened to me many years ago.

I had gone through an extraordinarily painful breakup, and a friend started having lunch with my ex - whom she'd met once or twice.

When I told her I was upset about this (like the LW, she was not interested in dating him), she said: "Just because you're no longer together doesn't mean we have to end our friendship."

She never had a friendship with him in the first place. It creeped me out, and I never spoke to her again.