Letters to the Editor
DCLaw1
Published Letters: 839 Editor's Choice: 2
-
Season finale
[Read the article: The Leader isn't protecting us and keeping us safe]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]*BEEP... BEEP... BEEP... BEEP...*
Jack Bauer drags John Travolta to his limousine behind the convention center, where the police have yet to arrive. At gunpoint, he forces the limo driver to take them to Travolta's private jet. The limo proves to be perfect cover in Los Angeles, and they arrive without police harrassment. Travolta has already been bound, gagged, and thrown in the trunk.
Jack takes out the jet pilot and members of Travolta's entourage, and ties up the limo driver. The only pilot he can trust to get him to Washington, DC is himself - with the fate of the entire country resting on his shoulders.
CTU clears the airspace between Jack and his destination. He will have to go it alone, and covertly. CTU reports that Congressional Democrats are currently having one of their drug orgies, so they will be easily taken by surprise.
On approach to Washington, Jack buzzes closely by the White House and the Washington Memorial. A single tear falls from his eye as he contemplates the gravity of his mission to save democracy from the treasonous ways of the fifth column known as "Congress."
Clearing his sleep-deprived mind, he steadies his hands and lands John Travolta's million-dollar private jet on the National Mall. Tourists stare, mouths agape, as he hops out of the jet and onto the Mall's hallowed dust.
But he has failed to take a critical factor into account. He has only moments to coerce Pelosi and Hoyer into rubber-stamping the President's legislation, but the Capitol is several blocks away!
"Goddammit!" he screams at a startled tourist, then his eyes narrow like Clint Eastwood as a solution dawns on him. He climbs back into the private jet, starts it up, and takes off from the National Mall, nearly running over a family of five from Kansas.
He is in the air only moments before he must aim Travolta's aircraft at the Capitol dome. Mind racing, he thinks to himself, Goddammit, Jack, desperate measures are required to prevent the terrorists from ever again destroying American lives and national symbols.
Just moments before impact, he kicks open the plane's door, instantly calculates timing and distance, then leaps out of the aircraft toward an open Capitol window. As he tumbles violently through the window and onto a Congressional staffer's cluttered desk, John Travolta's jet slams into the Capitol dome in a spectacular ball of fire. Barely visible on the grandiose steps below, Joe Lieberman pumps his fist triumphantly in the air, crying, "I knew you'd save us, Bauer!"
Before the Congressional staffer can even realize what has happened, Jack is already sprinting down the hall toward the Judiciary Committee chambers where Democrats traditionally hold their orgies.
Jack kicks open the doors of the chambers, revealing a tableau of inhuman hedonism to rival the worst excesses of the Roman Empire. There, on a raised dais covered in crimson satin and crushed velvet, clusters of incense burning around them as Iranian concubines sing traditional Islamic songs, are Steny Hoyer and Nancy Pelosi, mouths locked in an oily, nude embrace of unbridled lust.
"Pelosi! Hoyer! screams Jack as he draws his weapon once again. "You're coming with me. Now!" The room falls silent. Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, in the process of passing a joint at the base of the dais, freeze like frogs in a flashlight beam.
Pelosi and Hoyer, without appearing even faintly surprised, unlock their embrace and look dispassionately at Jack Bauer. Nancy Pelosi reaches for a clove cigarette from one of the bronze bowls that line the dais. Jack Murtha, wearing nothing but a loin cloth, quickly lurches forward to light her cigarette. She draws on it slowly, menacingly, the sweet smoke swirling around her head like a serpent.
"You're too late, Bau-er," she hisses. Your precious Heritage Foundation timer, like all things conservative, patriotic, and American, could not predict the fate of this country." In the corner, Russ Feingold snickers softly and draws from his hookah.
The rage wells up in Jack like lava, and his face tightens into a fist. "You don't know what you're talking about," he grumbles from between clenched teeth, gun still trained on Pelosi's heart.
"Oh but I do," replies Pelosi with a lazy exhalation of clove smoke. "You see, before your little... President's FISA legislation could expire on its own, we repealed it, Bauer." Hillary Clinton suddenly erupts into a cackle, then quickly falls silent again.
"No," says Jack.
Steny Hoyer takes Pelosi's cigarette from her hand, and puffs on it. "Oh yes. Bauer. Your protections are no more. Your little national security apparatus has... how do you say... gone DARK." He takes another puff from the cigarette, then hands it back to Pelosi. "Yes, soon, all of America will go dark," he says with a wry, sinister grin.
Jack remains unswayed. "You can't do that. The President can veto that, and you don't have the votes," he says defiantly.
John Conyers suddenly emerges from behind a marble pillar, wearing a lavish, silk robe, and carrying a snifter of fine cognac. "You mean the former President?" he says, "The one we impeached while you were flying here in your little plane?"
"But Cheney!" Jack erupts.
"Cheney too," answers Barack Obama, extinguishing his joint in a gold ashtray. "Impeached," he says in a deep, grave tone.
"All gone, Bauer," says Chris Dodd from a velvet sofa. "Your patriotic leaders are all gone."
Jack stumbles back a half-step, suddenly too weak to hold his gun up at Pelosi. "But that means... that can't mean..."
"Oh yes, Bau-er," interrupts Nancy Pelosi, nonchalantly picking a grape from a glistening bowl of delicacies. She savors the fruit for a lingering, torturous moment, flicking pieces of grape stem from beneath her long fingernails.
"I'm the president now."
*BEEP... BEEP... BEEP... BEEP...*
Tune in to next season to see if Bauer can save America from the clutches of the Democrats and certain doom!
-
thanks to whomever enjoyed my rantings
[Read the article: The Leader isn't protecting us and keeping us safe]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I got hit with a little breeze of inspiration and couldn't let it go.
Now I've gotta head out!