There are few moments in life when we may find such a clear pivot note - as in, I was this kind of person on this day, and then, a few hours or days later, I become another kind of person. In this case, the kind of person who tells the truth when it really matters.

Doug has accidentally presented the writer with an opportunity for one of those moments, and Cary has given her encouragement to find her voice. She has lied and lied again, and is still looking for a way out. She does not know that the way out has been in front of her all along.

Then something else may happen, but at least she will now be the kind of person who prefers reality. And starting from reality is really so much more satisfying. Sleep is deeper, sex is more....well. Suffice to say, some virtues CAN be their own reward. And truth, when it shines light through a whole lot of murk, is one of them.

< Not only did she hump his BEST FRIEND seven times, but she then went on to withhold herself from him for, apparently, several years, in order to "save herself for the wedding night"...and had him do the same.

Were I her husband, that would be what would hurt (and infuriate) the most. I would think that part of his internal dialog would run something like "Even while involved with me, she was willing to give her virginity to Doug with no strings attached but required me to make a lifetime commitment before letting me have sex with her, even long after she'd lost her virginity. Obviously, she must have wanted him more than she has ever wanted me." >

Reading comprehension, please. The LW stated that she married her husband 18 months, not several years, after having sex with Doug, and she also stated that their mutual virginity was very important to HIM. There is no information about her withholding herself from him, for all we know he withheld himself from her until she became frustrated and curious.

If her husband is as wonderful as she says, then one supposes that he might ask himself if his emphasis on purity may have led her to lie many years ago in order to save her relationship with him. And that lie, as ugly and ongoing as it is, was probably made out of fear and ultimately, one hopes, love. In that, there seems to be a path to forgiveness.

For some reason, this couple apparently built a marriage on the concept of sexual purity, a shaky and temporary scaffold indeed. Where does it end? If she is raped, is she impure because another man touched her? She was young, they were still just dating, she made a mistake before she married him, and one assumes that she has been faithful ever since. If he has always loved her for her sexual purity alone, then yes, it is probably the end of the marriage. Otherwise, I cannot see how their continuing to bow down to the false relationship gods of their youth makes any sense at all. Real love demands more.

Fiction, fine. We can take all the family material we want and spin it in the air until it emerges on paper, full of half-truths, mixed with insider information, and the world none the wiser.

But it is, as so many have said, unethical to sell the intimate, potentially embarrassing stories of our children's lives as autobiography. Where does it stop? Shall we hear of it when Ms. Waldman finds the wads of wet Kleenex in the son's bed?

That said, I do believe Ms. Waldman's kids are in luck. If she remains unable to decide whether her column is fair and kind to them, she can ask her mother-in-law.

This letter has an odd feel to it. Not necessarily the LW's language about his son, language I also find strangely touching, if over the top. No, it is the wife, raging at home, angry about this poor semi-retarded child's lost college career.

It sounds like this kid's academic struggles are not news. So, why the shock and drama? The LW states that Son passed High School because of Dad's letters "sent to all his teachers and principal begging them to pass him."

Dad sent letters to every teacher the kid had for four years, asking them to lie? And then enlisted - in writing - the principal in the fraud as well? And then neglected to mention to his wife that Junior's grades were entirely undeserved?

Otherwise, why is she so surprised? Has she not sat at the kitchen table with him for 13 long years, hammering on spelling words and multiplication tables to no avail? He cannot pass the written portion of the driver's test, but he got a good enough score on an ACT or SAT to get into college? If he is in the public education system, then he has had multiple standardized tests over the years, and his ability and achievement levels should not be a state secret. This is a measurable question.

If this letter is real, then it sounds like they need a few couple's sessions with a counselor who can help them revisit the last 19 years, discern what their son's intellectual abilities really are, admit whatever guilt or burdens they each have over their son's struggles, and forgive each other (and him). Then perhaps they will be able to recognize and celebrate his potential.

I wish them well.