Letters to the Editor
flying badger
Published Letters: 3 Editor's Choice: 1
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I'm Married to You
[Read the article: I'm afraid I'll be unfaithful to my husband]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]LW,
I married a woman who has your same predicament 2 years ago (except she's not attracted to women). She kept quiet about the whole thing. One-half of our marriage has consisted of living apart, trying to see if we can reconcile the absolute mess that has resulted from these mixed feelings that existed on the day we said "I do." Yes, another guy. Yes, concerns re: future fidelity. Result: Distrust - forwards, backwards, sideways and upside down.
Cary's right. Tell him. You can't make good decisions without knowing what you're getting into. You want a happy marriage? A fulfilling one? Honesty has to be a part of that. And, from a guy who's been in your fiancee's position, I'd have rather known up front. You're risking total destruction of this relationship, whatever it becomes, if you don't tell him.
Good luck
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Everybody needs to clean house every once in a while
[Read the article: I'm acting like a monster so my friends are deserting me]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]LW,
Don't take it so personally that your friends stopped listening. They say your taste buds change every 7 years or something, so wouldn't it be safe to say your friends should, too? Take it as an opportunity to branch out.
I've been in your (ex) lady-friend's shoes with one ex of my own, and it was totally healthy to cut it off. I mean, hey, she was going through tough times, you tried to get some support from her for your OWN tough times, and guess what? She doesn't have the patience to both listen to your shit and deal with her own. Maybe your friends are the same way.
Either way, find a new place. For some reason, people have a hang-up about helping themselves. You're narcissistic? OK - then helping yourself should be easy. Chances are, if your friends see you helping yourself, they'll come back to you (or let you back into their circle). Moping in your misery won't accomplish jack crap. Doing something about it will.
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What to do with the bull?
[Read the article: My husband of 12 years suddenly says he never loved me]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]LW, Cary's advice was right-on with regard to the lawyer, accountant, etc., but you know, that stuff doesn't address the heart-wrenching part of all of this - the emotional roller-coaster ride that just left the station.
Cary's most perfect lines: "Having reached a life crisis, he must choose. He can seek greater self-knowledge and reach for a higher self. Or he can bail."
One hard part is, LW, that you're no part of that equation - he gets to decide, not you. And Cary, if you've got any sage advice on how to push the person toward greater self-knowledge (rather than bailing), you should dole it out. I suppose making things safe for them (through support, etc.) is the best way...but it's tough to be both supportive of your partner AND supportive of yourself at the same time.
This is like watching the proverbial "bull in a china closet." A counselor once helped me realize you have three choices: (1) stand outside and watch the bull break all the china, (2) grab the bull by the horns and try to pull them out of the china closet, or (3) get behind the bull and push him out of the china closet. I don't envy your position, or your choice. If it were me, I'd choose to empower myself with option 3. But that's for you to decide. Good luck.