Letters to the Editor
ms.nutsaque
Published Letters: 2
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Cheering for you
[Read the article: I need a new dream]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Whatever you decide to do next, it sounds like you need--and deserve--some cheerleading. There is a pernicious little subset of burbling, clubby parents who natter on as if orgasming, gestating and birthing are the pinnacle of human achievement. Unfortunately, that mindset is also celebrated now, whether you're in a public park or looking at tabloid covers on your way out of the supermarket. I wonder if the toxic stew of "baby-bump" mania has not compounded your devastation?
Who knows? Maybe I'm one of those burblers: my quiver is full, half by design, half the result incautiousness and longing for more. Children are commodities, unless you're an Amish farmer who needs free labor. I don't think you deserve to be scolded for viewing then that way when our whole culture is set up so that we can hardly see kids as anything but costly extensions of our own aspirations.
Blah, blah, blah.... All I'm trying to say is that it sounds like you have the blueprint for inspired parenting inside of you already--if you still want to go that way after the rest that Cary prescribes for your heart and soul. Anyone capable of the deep feeling that emanates from your letter already has love to give. Anyone who's been pursuing fertility treatments as doggedly as you have already possesses diligence. Anyone who can make a frank assessment of her situation (even when the pain of it makes you flinch) has more than enough common sense to shepherd a child from knee-high to adulthood.
Of course, all of those attributes make you splendidly suited to a lot of great endeavors besides parenting. I guess all I'm saying is, you're not as depleted of emotional resources as you think, if your letter is any indication.
Whatever you decide, cheers to you and your tender heart.
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Just because it's unpleasant to hear...
[Read the article: Single mothers are ruining society!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Doesn't mean that there's no kernel of truth here. While I don't go in for heaping shame on single mothers by any stretch (and the ones I know have thriving kids, but also a lot of extended-family support), it's hardly scold-y or anachronistic to say that kids fare better with two committed parents. I agree with the poster who mentioned the brutal economic divide which means that for many women, it's just not feasible to expect a stable, prosperous marriage during prime time for childbearing.
I think it might even go deeper than that: there's a malaise of the spirit in our culture for all but the very wealthy. It may be too hard to acknowledge that the stuff that seemed basic a few generations ago for most of us--owning a home,having kids,and maybe being able to afford music lessons, preschool, whatever--is well-nigh unattainable for lots of us now. Better to roll the dice and "get caught" and muddle through than to consciously plan to bring a child into a world that will be diminished in time, security and hope. The other alternative is never to have kids at all. While that one may make the most sense on paper, the heart wants what the heart wants.
Why so much column space devoted to the archetypal 35-plus female professional who's now ordering donor sperm from a menu of attributes because "The right mate never came along?" If this woman even exists in the numbers that the media would have us believe, well, she tried to do things in the prescribed order. Because kids do best with two committed parents.
So even for those who can afford to raise children, marriage and procreation are declarations of optimism. We keep postponing them--or forgoing them altogether. Until we find some miraculous way to tackle the forces that have sapped our collective optimism, too many single parents of either gender will be left holding the bag, er, baby when the other partner sees no hope for the future.