Letters to the Editor

• Been There... Done That

  [Read the article: If the first date isn't great, why go out with him again? ]
  [Read more letters about this article: Here]

  My dear letter-writer and everyone else who reads this,

  I, too, have been in your shoes. Divorced almost twenty years now with three sons to care for, a career that pays the bills, a Non-Profit that I run alone, friends, housework and don't forget some much needed alone time, I understand just how difficult it is to balance pleasure and obligations in any 24 hour time period. I applaud you for your attempt at finding some balance and also for respecting your fellow dater's feelings by not wanting to waste any of someone else's precious time.

  I have had my share of first dates and I agree with you - why pretend that you are further interested when you are not? This would be like eating a food you find repulsive but saying to yourself - or giving advice to another - to give it a chance anyway. After all, you MAY like it after the second bite or the third but more than likely, you will still find its taste unpleasant in your mouth. Perhaps in the future, you might try it again and even like it but right now, it just plain does not taste good. Politely spit it out, girl!

  Or we could compare being picky in this way to buying a home that you plan on living in for the rest of your life. Really, are you willing to purchase a one bedroom, ranch-style house in a crime-filled area, sans a backyard when what you need is a three bedroom, tri-level house in a safe area and with enough room to grow the vegetable garden you desire so that you can feed yourself and your children? Don't you KNOW right away that one fits your needs much better than the other? Would you REALLY have to live in the first home to KNOW its all wrong for you and your desires for your future?

  I have tried it both ways. I have gone on the first date, found instant disappointment for whatever reason and yet, gave into a second date or even a third. I have also been very up-front with not finding what I am desiring in the man I am sitting near. I find more value in stating the honest truth as soon as I recognize it and would prefer someone else to do the same with/for me. Sometimes, after explaining that "he" is not who I am looking for as a potential life-long partner, we have remained friends. Obviously, we found something attractive about each other or we would not be meeting in person. And it can be valuable to keep certain people in our lives as we grow and learn about ourselves in relationship to others and offer the opportunity to another to do the same.

  As someone else so wisely pointed out, as the dates progress, so do the expectations from our suitors. Especially if he is insistent on buying dinner or something else that is semi-expensive. (I don't know about your experiences but most men I've dated DO insist on paying which is very kind and giving and I appreciate how hard they must work to earn their monies.) I do not care to give them the wrong idea about my intentions for a future together but how do you politely tell someone you barely know that you are still trying to figure out if they MIGHT be someone you are interested in building a future with? But it isn't like you can meet up at the coffee shop for each progressive meeting to help with this dilemma. You must "up-the-anti" each meeting in many ways. This can feel very unsafe and unwanted. You have many other priorities and right now, a man you are not interested in for whatever reason should not be one. Why go back and spend more time and effort looking at the first house you know will not work well for you and your future goals? Why try to make it fit when it cannot?

  And being an obviously intelligent, thought-FULL, kind woman, you probably have your share of suitors. This can cause quite a problem in and of it's self. While flattering, it can be overwhelming. I decided early on that I would only email men in the morning, I would only date three times a week, I would spend time with my sons the evenings I was not dating, and I knew what time I wanted to return home by and told my sons when I would be home – just as I wanted them to do for me. Sometimes, these lines worked and sometimes, I was willing to bend. But I HAD my lines so that I had some idea of what I wanted to accomplish with my time. I think it may be helpful to you as well to possibly draw some lines in your personal/dating life. Let the men you decide to date know your lines. If your lines offend any man, do you really wish to be with him anyway? And if they do not offend, then you will know more about his respect for you and for your needs.

  Dating is not easy and the internet has complicated it further. We have forsaken complete communication (first impressions; pheromones; body language; voice inflections; humor) in order to make more connections. My best advice to you and everyone else looking for love is to know what you are looking for. Sit down; write out YOUR goals, YOUR desires, YOUR needs for YOUR life as well as your children's, then start looking for the spark or whatever else YOU need in YOUR life to make it the most happy, fulfilling life that you can. No one else can do this for you and the sooner you know what you want, the sooner you will find it. Think again about buying a home you will live in for the rest of your life...

  Here's to light, laughter and love for ALL.

  Froggy24

  Permalink Monday, December 3, 2007 11:45 AM