When a very close relative was about to marry someone just about everyone considered to be completely unsuitable, I made it clear that I was not going to attend. Our other close relatives were appalled by my behavior, but I am well known to be stubborn and judgmental.

The wedding was called off just before invitations were to be sent. My close relative had been having second thoughts and trying to squelch them. My announcement that I wouldn't be part of the not-so-special day gave him/her the final push to call it off.

Since then we have found out a number of disturbing things about the other person that would have doomed the marriage to failure. I didn't know any of this; I just had a very strong feeling that this person was "wrong" (and everyone in my family had suspicions too).

A gesture like this can be an effective way to force people to reevaluate their decisions. If you make it clear to your in-laws why you are not going, this might give them serious pause. It will give the wedding an unpleasant, illicit overtone. Maybe it will set off a sequence of events that culminate in cancellation or at least postponement.

I would decline the invitation in as polite a way as possible. I would say that you wish the couple all the best, and they are by no means unwelcome in your home or anything like that, it's just that you can't in good conscience be part of a ceremony where the bride and groom are too young to have given meaningful consent.

I vote for lying through your teeth. It sucks that you have to do something so immoral, but what you're trying to counteract here is peer pressure, the feeling that everyone is doing something. You don't want them saying to themselves "Even Dad did it!" when they are psyching themselves up to do something illicit. Incidently, pulling this off requires a major attitude adjustment on the part of you and your wife. Your comment about abortion that "these situations happen to everyone" is way off base. They don't happen to everyone. There are a lot of straight arrows out there. And situations never just "happen." The choices people make are very important, and unfortunately sometimes have consequences far worse than intended.

Whatever you do, remember that actions speak much louder than words. Are you really serious about having your kids avoid drugs? Then give up alcohol, cigarettes, and even excessive caffeine consumption if you can do that. Consider it atonement for your sordid past. Be a bit rueful as you take OTC or prescription meds. Take up exercise. Eat healthy food.

Clean living speaks for itself. Your kids will get the message that illicit drug and alcohol use is something shameful. This will encourage them to delay trying it, to limit their experimentation to "safer" drugs, to do it only when they are sure they can't get caught, etc. If they do fall into a period of bad behavior (sad to say, it's rather likely, given hereditary factors), they are much more likely to shake it off as they mature. I've noticed that no matter how rebellious people are when they are young, in one way or another they usually revert to their childhood values, broadly speaking, when they grow up.

(Of course, there are those who say that sneaking around is more dangerous than doing it in the open. This is nuts, in my opinion. Kids who drink openly in their parents' home aren't going to refuse to drink in other situations because their folks aren't around. What you have to learn to do is be on top of your kids, know where they are, recognize the signs so you can call them out. Set rules and be willing to discipline.)

The other benefit to becoming a straight arrow is that rebellion can be accomplished in much milder ways. In my family, taking up vegetarianism did it. In my husband's, it was wearing sandals and a collarless shirt in public.

Eventually they will find out about your dishonesty and be peeved at you. But they won't drown their disappointment in booze!

A real killer in relationships is having different political views. You resent the rich merely for being rich, and he (apparently) does not feel the same way. This is a political difference, and it will bleed into and affect every aspect of your lives together. In my experience, resentment seldom dissipates on its own, nor is it easily extirpated. It usually festers and grows.

My husband and I come from wildly different socio-economic and cultural backgrounds but it's not an issue for us, because we're on the same page politically (not a left-wing bone in either of our bodies). I find the prep-school-country-club lifestyle he grew up in to be, by turns, fascinating, glamorous, ridiculous, disturbing, exotic, amusing, wonderful. We have tried to preserve what's good about both of our backgrounds while jettisoning the bad, in our own lives and as we raise our children. But we could never have done this without our common value system. Good luck to both you and your fiance in finding other partners with whom you have more in common.

You know, a word that a lot of people will find coded meanings in no matter how the user intends it to be interpreted. Didn't Joe Biden get in trouble for using these words in tandem to describe Barack Obama?