Letters to the Editor
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Published Letters: 83 Editor's Choice: 7
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Leave the married man and spend some time with yourself..
[Read the article: I left an abuser, but now I'm with a married man]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]LW, first I would like to say congratulations for getting out of an abusive relationship. People who haven't experienced that situation first-hand often do not understand how hard it is to leave, even though you're miserable. So.. Kudos to you!
Now - take what Cary says to heart: You do not have to be in a relationship with a man right now. Seven years ago, I ended a marriage than had been psychologically abusive for a while before there was an incident of physical abuse. The physical abuse was a big wake-up call and made me see just what a disaster that relationship had been for the past 3 years. It's still very hard to me to talk about that time in my past - even somewhat anonymously. A few months after the divorce, I went out on a few dates with a guy that I initially though was nice, but who turned out to be really controlling and not-so-nice. I thought to myself "here we go again...". Then I stopped and re-thought: "No! Wait a minute! *Never* again will I voluntarily spend my time with someone who is not nice to me and who does not treat me with kindness and respect." I phoned him and told him that I didn't want to go on any more dates with him, and then did a little victory dance around my house.
It seems like the most obvious thing in the world to not want to spend time with someone who isn't nice to you, but if you have self-esteem issues, you may not make that realization. You may not really, truly be aware that you can find someone who will treat you with love, kindness, and respect. But - to demand that from someone else, you must first treat yourself that way. Hooking up with a married man who cannot devote himself to you is absolutley not the way to be kind to yourself. You're setting yourself up for heartbreak.
At that time in my life, I decided to take a good look at myself and try to figure out why I apparently projected the message: "It's ok to treat me like dirt." People don't *repeatedly* treat you like dirt unless you somehow allow them to. Why was I allowing it? It was very embarassing to admit, even to myself, that I really had some issues with self-confidence. I am very bright and have many qualities that I'm pleased with...however, I have very little confidence concerning social interactions. So...apparently, I thought that I should accept anyone who wanted to spend time with me. How pathetic is that?!
I spent then next few years being single and getting to know myself. That was the best thing I ever did. I decided - on my own - exactly how I deserve to be treated, what I want for my life, what my core beliefs and values are, and how to be a whole person on my own. I firmly believe now that you cannot have a healthy relationship with a partner until you're a whole person by yourself.
Fast forward a few years: I am now engaged to a wonderful, loving, kind man who treats me with the utmost respect.
I shared my story with you because I think that it may be helpful for you to see how someone else has come out of an abusive relationship and recovered. I have more than recovered - life is awesome!
All the best to you.
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Sounds like the cougher has asthma...
[Read the article: There's a cougher in the office and it's driving me mad!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]What a lot of people don't realize is that a chronic, irritating, hacky cough is a classic symptom of mild-to-moderate asthma. I had no idea I had mild asthma until I went to the doctor to be treated for an irritating dry cough that would not go away after months of trying to treat it. Cough medicine didn't help, antibiotics didn't help, nasty-@$$ herbal concoctions didn't help, absolutely nothing made the cough go away. Within a day of the allergy-induced asthma diagnosis and taking the appropriate asthma medications, the cough was gone. The city I had just moved to at the time is one of the allergy capitals of the US, and my asthma was being triggered by all the cedar and oak pollen in the air. I never would have suspected that asthma was the cause of the cough. I'm glad the doctor immediately recognized what was going on and treated me appropriately. I'm sure my office mates were ecstatic.
LW - I understand that it drives you nuts to have to listen to the hacking all day. I guarantee it drives the cougher nuts too - probably more so than you. In addition to getting some white noise headphones, or listening to music while you work, you should suggest to your co-worker that he see a doctor and specifically be tested for asthma. That may not be the problem, but it's definitely worth investigating. If the guy does have asthma and gets the appropriate mediction, the cough will be gone in a couple of days.