Letters to the Editor

• Post Docs don't last forever...

  [Read the article: I'm an analytical chemist with a two-body problem]
  [Read more letters about this article: Here]

  Most post docs last from 1 to 3 years. The LW didn't mention how long his post doc was for, but my guess is that it's probably for a year or two. And, a year or two isn't forever.

  Maybe i'm more of a romantic than I care to admit, but I also spent some time in academia and have experienced some of these issues first hand. Many of my friends have been in exactly the same position as you. My point is this: If the relationship ever stops working, let it be because the two of you just aren't compatible. Don't throw away a healthy, satisfying relationship just because of a temporary distance issue.

  LW, if you really and truly love your girlfriend and can see yourself being in a long-term partnership with her, you can find a way to make this work. First, you need to have a serious heart-to-heart talk and see if she feels the same way about you that you feel about her. If she does, then decide to pursue the relationship - regardless of geographic location - and see how things develop. True, you can't live that far apart indefinitely, but if you know it's just for a year or so, it's doable. Of course, if at some point you do decide to stay together, you'll have to find a way to be in the same location.

  You have been together for only a year, right? And, you're young. You don't necessarily have to make a long-term committment *right now*. If both of you are happy with the relationship and think that you may be headed that direction, give it a chance. You shouldn't throw it all away because things are a bit inconvenient for a while. Don't let yourself believe the false dichotomy that you need to decide to stay together forever or break up *right now*. I think that's a false choice which could be making your life unnecessarily stressful. If you can't find a job near Berkeley, then take your offer and just make plans to see your gf as often as you can. See where the relationship goes.

  If at some point in your post doc you and your gf decide that you do want to stay together, then you can each begin to look for jobs in the same geographic location. This means that you'll have to refuse to be apart. You will probably have to make some compromises in order to stay together. That's normal - most healthy couples compromise regularly. The word "compromise" does not mean "one of you has to ditch your career for the other". It means that if being together is what you want, you make decisions that are good for you individually AND good for you as a couple. As long as there is equal give-and-take from both of you, you should be fine.

  Keep in mind that the chances of two academics both finding their respective dream jobs in the same place are slim. However, many universities (and some large corporations) help spouses and partners find jobs. If the university really wants to hire you and they think that you won't accept the offer unless your partner gets a good job too, they'll probably help your partner get a good job.

  Finally, talk to your professors. If you have a good advisor, talk to him/her and ask for advice. Several professors have partners/spouses who are also professors. They have dealt with your situation first hand, and they'll be able to give you real-world advice from their own experiences.

  All the best to you.

  Permalink Thursday, June 28, 2007 09:27 AM