Letters to the Editor
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Published Letters: 86 Editor's Choice: 7
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Not a lack of common sense as much as a lack of the ability to focus...
[Read the article: I'm an absent-minded engineer; my mind wanders and so does my wallet]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]LW sounds a lot like me. I'm also a 31 year old software engineer and a serious hobbyist musician (jazz and classical). I also have the attention span of a gnat and tend to lose things regularly - I lose my keys at least once a week. I have always noticed my thoughts flittering about from one thing to the next, with almost no noticeable pattern. For example, if I start to tidy up the house I may start in the kitchen, remember something in the bedroom, get halfway through with that, then decide to take out the trash....and then eventually, two or three hours later, work my way back into the kitchen. Much to his credit, my husband doesn't let it drive him crazy. He just does his thing in a nice linear fashion while I spaz from one thing to the next.
One difference between myself and the LW is that I feel as if I have plenty of common sense because I'm very logical and practical. However, what I do have have is a big, whopping case of Attention Defecit Disorder (ADD). It was diagnosed when I was in graduate school (applied math). As an undergrad, it wasn't a problem. I was able to do extremely well without having to focus intently for hours at a time. Grad school was a different story, though. I had to study for 10 - 12 hours a day, and be able to concentrate through exams that lasted anywhere from 4 - 6 hours. After an hour and a half of an exam, my concentration was over. I was done - completely unable to focus anymore. I would find myself daydreaming, conducting a symphony in my head, silently playing an invisible piano on my desk...anything besides focusing on the exam. One of my professors asked me what was up - he said that he knew that I was capable of doing far better work than my exams showed. We discussed my study habits and I also told him that I was having a tremendously hard time keeping up my concentration past about an hour and a half. He suggested that I be tested for ADD, and mentioned that he had a very bright daughter with ADD and that just after chatting with me for a few minutes he could see lots of the signs. Well...I went to see an academic counselor, who referred me to a psychologist, who diagnosed me with ADD. I opted not to take medication, but I learned several effective ways to deal with the ADD: breaking up tasks into smaller parts, being allowed either fewer questions or else breaks while taking exams, and most importantly, accepting the fact that my thinking is very non-linear and being comfortable with that.
The reason I share my story is that the LW sounds a lot like me. I'm obviously not a medical expert (I'm a computer nerd), but I think that LW should at least investigate whether he/she may also have ADD.
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Another vote for telling her...
[Read the article: Should I tell my boyfriend's wife about our affair?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I appreciated being told that I had been cheated on, although it was still horrible. Many years ago, I was in a serious long-term relationship with a guy we'll call Mike. After being together for a few years, the relationship had begun to make a down-turn. We had drifted apart and weren't getting along as well as we had in the past. I knew that all was not well, and I suspected that Mike had cheated, but I had so many other things going on in my life that I was avoiding dealing with it. I figured I would deal with Mike after some of the other chaos settled down. Then I got a phone call from a young woman I had met a couple of times in social gatherings with Mike.
She just came out and said something like: "I don't know how to tell you this, but you should know that I've been dating Mike for the past 4 months. Someone told me yesterday that you and Mike have been a couple for 2 years. I had no idea. I dumped him, and I'm so sorry." Apparently, Mike told her that I was his best friend or roommate and that I was a lesbian; he knew she wouldn't go out with him if she thought he had a partner. I was not angry with the woman - it wasn't her fault she had been lied to by a very charming liar. Obviously, it was very painful to know that I had been cheated on. However, it was very validating to know that I wasn't just going crazy or imagining things those last few months. I also felt very strongly that I had a right to know the truth about my own life. I thanked the woman for her honesty and ended the relationship with Mike, painful as it was.
My guess is that LW's boyfriend's wife knows that all is not well in their relationship.
Some of the other posters say that telling the wife will do nothing but hurt her and ruin her life. That's not an invalid point, and I understand the desire to not cause her grief. But, at the same time, I think that she should be able to make an informed decision about how she wants to continue her life. And she can't do that if her life is based on a lie.