Letters to the Editor
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Published Letters: 86 Editor's Choice: 7
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@LeeLoosMultiPass
[Read the article: My husband constantly upstages me]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Holy Crap!! That's a perfect description of a fellow I broke an engagement with 8 years ago. I categorized him as a charming, funny, artistic, manipulative, selfish jerk with no compassion or empathy (@$$hole), and I eventually started to wonder if he really was a little 'unhinged'. Your explanation is an EXACT description of my ex's personality. I had not been aware, prior to today, that this really is a named disorder associated with incomplete brain development. Breaking that engagement was the best decision I ever made, especially now that I recently married someone wonderful. I guess I was truly fortunate in extricating myself from the situation when I did. (Although I should have ended it about a year before I really did)
The relationship was all about him and what he wanted. He wouldn't help anyone unless there was an immediate benefit to himself. He didn't care if his behavior hurt anyone else's feelings, and in fact, he didn't understand how his (presumably perfect) behavior possibly *could* be hurtful. He expected everyone to cater to him, but he wouldn't lift a finger to help anyone in return. Anytime he thought he may have to do something he didn't want to do, he threw a temper tantrum or simply refused to do it. That's why he couldn't hold down a steady job and why he dropped out of two different graduate programs. If he didn't want to do something, he quit and expected his employer or adviser to beg him to come back! Needless to say, that didn't happen. ha!
I always blamed his behavior on his parents and grandparents treating him as if he were perfect, giving him everything he wanted, and always taking his side when he got in trouble. That may have contributed. But the signs of NPD were everywhere!
What ultimately ended the relationship was his refusing to pick me up and take me to a doctor appointment to have stitches taken out of my hand. I had had surgery to set a broken hand the week before, and couldn't shift gears in my car. Mr. Narcissist said he didn't feel like coming all the way to my place to pick me up, and that he really didn't want to hang out in a doctor's office for an hour. He was busy reading a book. At first, I thought he was joking. It took a while to register that he could really be that selfish. The friend who drove me to that appointment just said "now you see what I've been trying to tell you. he's not a nice guy."
I dumped him that night.
As far as I know, this guy is still unable to function well in society. He's been married and divorced twice, and can't stay with a job for any length of time.
I'm still a little stunned by just how much these descriptions sound like him.
holy crap.
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Frugal vs. Cheap
[Read the article: I like him but he's weird about money]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]LW is frugal and financially responsible. Her boyfriend is just plain cheap, at best. It seems as if the guy is actually hoarding his money - like he's emotionally attached to keeping as much of it as he can. Seriously, if he won't buy decent clothes, a reliable car, or have a nice clean place to live, he's not going to use that money to have a nice retirement either. He'll use the bare minimum required to cover his living expenses and then he'll see how much more can accumulate in his account.
Of course people should have retirement accounts, saving accounts, and investments if possible. However, it's pointless to hoard all that money and never enjoy the benefits of living comfortably. Living comfortably within one's means, as LW is doing, does not constitute extravagance. Perhaps someone else has already pointed this out, but it's the boyfriend who's choosing to be poor.
In my opinion, the boyfriend's attitude toward money is a deal-breaker; so is the fact that he's constantly judging and criticizing LW's (responsible) spending habits. I've known people who, like the boyfriend, have an irrational aversion to spending money. These people typically do not change. They do not even spend money for things that they need - such as basic home maintenance, new clothes, and health care (except in a life or death situation). This is more than a quirk, and LW needs to seriously decide whether she can deal with this 'hoarding' long-term. If not, they need to go their separate ways.