Letters to the Editor
SE
Published Letters: 86 Editor's Choice: 7
-
@ Allie_ (Let's stop validating this curse)
[Read the article: My mother-in-law put a curse on us and spat in my husband's face]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I agree with Allie 100%, and I think her letter deserves a red star. I'm really surprised to find all the other letters on here that seem to take LW's curse seriously, or at least validate her belief in it. "I personally don't believe in curses, but...here's a ritual to lift it and make you feel better...."
While berating and belittling the LW herself would be mean and obnoxious - not to mention counterproductive - the belief that curses and superstitions have ANY inherent power whatsoever needs to be attacked full-force. These old superstitions have NO power in and of themselves. Saying mean things to someone and spitting on them just doesn't have the power to change the future. This is why a curse cannot possibly work on someone who doesn't believe in curses.
My husband is Indian and a dedicated member of the Indian Rationalist Association, an organization dedicated to promoting science and critical thinking while debunking superstitions. A recent newsletter told the story of a prominent Indian politician who had attributed many of her personal difficulties to having been cursed by a Tantrick, using black magic. After this incident, there was a rise in hysteria around curses and black magic and such. The president of the Rationalist Association then challenged that same Tantrik to curse him on national TV. The Tantrik accepted the offer. So...on live TV, the magician set up all his materials and began to chant and curse the Rationalist guy. Nothing happened. He wanted more time....more chanting and cursing....nothing happened. So, then the Tantrik eventually said that the Rationalist's gods were protecting him. The rationlist then said that he's an atheist. The cursing continued later that night in another ceremony that was supposed to kill the guy within 3 minutes. After another half hour, nothing happened, and the guy was obviously really amused. You can see this whole episode on You Tube if you copy and paste this link into your browser. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qNoX0XKUZlk
It's in Hindi, but you can figure out what's going on even if you can't understand a word. I'm telling this story and sharing the link because I applaud the idea of debunking these dangerous superstitions. People can literally scare themselves to death thinking they've been cursed, and the people who do the cursing are weilding a ridiculous amount of *artificial* power over those who believe.
LW: Your MIL's power over you has nothing to do with her curse and everything to do with your belief in it and a lack of confidence in yourself. Her curse has no power over you other than the power you give it. Stand up to her. If she doesn't treat you better, cut this toxic person out of your life. And tell your husband that he also needs to grow a spine.
-
It can work...
[Read the article: I'm a med student, but my boyfriend has just a high school education]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Some relationships like this one work, and some don't. We can see plenty of examples of both cases from all the previous letters. Looking at the letters written by people who are in successful relationships with a partner whose education level is significantly lower or higher, two defining characteristics pop out: 1) each partner accepts and respects the other for exactly who he/she is. 2)each partner is secure with him/herself.
If either one looks down on the other, or if either one feels threatened or insecure, the relationship will not work. I've seen situations in which the less 'ambitious' partner either tries to sabotoge the other's career goals or is unsupportive because he/she truly doesn't understand why those career goals are so important. I've also seen instances of the more educated/ambitious partner being a total snob toward the other.
It's also important for you to be compatible in other ways. You need to have compatible goals for where you want to live, what kind of lifestyle you want, your expectations of each other, whether traditional gender roles matter to either one of you, if/when to have children and who will be the primary care-taker,...all that. I also think that the partners should have comparable levels of intelligence. (education is *not* always indicative of someone's intelligence)
Making this relationship will not be easy, because there is a fundamental part of each of you that the other doesn't understand or relate to. However, if you both respect and support each other, you have a chance. The question is: can you both really, truly do that? Be honest with yourselves, and use that answer to make your decision.
-
@ Afro Goddess
[Read the article: I'm a med student, but my boyfriend has just a high school education]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]...good points. 24 IS really young.
-
@ AfroGoddess.... again
[Read the article: I'm a med student, but my boyfriend has just a high school education]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Hi. Me again. :-) I re-read your post, and I think that you and I basically agree with each other.
When I said that the relationship can work, I said that it can only work if they both completely respect and accept each other. So...if the LW really doesn't respect BF's choices in life or accept him as-is, without trying to fix him, she definitely needs to break up with him now because the relationship is doomed. She'll look down on him, he'll resent her.
I definitely agree that 24 is really young to try to make a relationship of such differences work. LW she may not be able to fully appreciate the Good-in-Living quality that you mentioned - that's an excellent point. And it's a quality that takes some life experience to really understand and cherish.
-
Question about NPD...
[Read the article: My husband constantly upstages me]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I've seen several posts refer to Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Is this really a documented medical order with associated abnormalities in brain chemistry or structure? Or is this a socially acceptable way to say that someone is a self-absorbed jerk with no consideration or empathy for anyone else? How is this different from being a garden-veriety asshole?
I think the other letters said everything else I had in mind - especially AfroGoddess and TimbukTom.
-
That should be "garden variety"
[Read the article: My husband constantly upstages me]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]...not "veriety". didn't proofread very well :-)
-
@Tigereyes
[Read the article: My husband constantly upstages me]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]just saw your letter. very interesting information about the brain development. That's exactly what I was wondering.