Letters to the Editor
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Published Letters: 84 Editor's Choice: 7
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This relationship just isn't working.
[Read the article: My boyfriend won't give me his apartment key]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]The lack of a key isn't too troubling in and of itself, depending on how long they've been together and how committed they are. What bugs me is that he hasn't really given her a straightforward answer about why he doesn't want her to have the key, and that he's giving such mixed signals. He doesn't want her to completely move back into her place, but he won't give her a key when lots of her stuff is at his house. That's totally unreasonable. It's a huge pain in the ass for LW to not completely live in one place or the other, especially if she needs access to her things when the boyfriend isn't at home. If the boyfriend doesn't want her to have a key, he should have no objections at all to her moving back into her own apartment. I personally think that LW should just inform him that since he's not giving her a key, she is moving back into her place. She needs to grow a spine and start calling some of the shots - especially if she's unhappy letting him call the shots. If he doesn't like that arrangement, he probably wasn't that excited about their relationship anyway. Harsh, but true. The no-key-for-you thing could just be a passive-aggressive way of telling her he's not really that interested.
LW needs to sit down with the boyfriend and have a good heart-to-heart talk about where each of them stands in this relationship. They're clearly not on the same page. It would be interesting to know how old they are and how long they've been together. My guess is that they haven't been together very long (guessing less than a year), but quickly started spending almost all their time together. They're probably also young - mid 20's at the most. The relationship seems to have moved along quickly, but without any clear discussion or understanding about what each person wants. Until they are able to define their relationship and goals, it's a very bad idea for LW to continue to invest all her time and energy into it. Besides, even people in a healthy relationship have their own hobbies and interests. My husband and I have an awesome relationship, but we don't spend every waking moment together.
The boyfriend needs to at least be honest with LW and tell her why he's not comfortable letting her have a key. If he thinks the relationship is just moving too fast, he needs to communicate that honestly with her. If he doesn't give a good reason, LW can take that as a sign that he's not willing to communicate with her. At the very least, they need to stop spending so much time together until they define their relationship.
My personal opinion is that this relationship is one-sided and will probably not last much longer.
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rubber snakes and a privacy fence
[Read the article: Would you please get out of my swimming pool!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I don't have anything as witty and clever as the 'potted plant' solution, unless you want to invest in a few realistic-looking rubber snakes to toss in the pool :-) (only halfway kidding...) Or, you could put up a privacy fence and put a lock on it, so that no one can come into your yard without having a key or someone to let them in. If that option is too expensive, I think you should just talk to this cousin and politely let her know that the open-pool policy isn't working for you. If your husband's aunt and uncle get upset, it's not your problem. They're being petty and ridiculous, and they just have to get over it. Don't let the threat of 'family tention' bully you into completely surrendering your privacy. And - have a serious talk with your husband and let him know that you feel invaded. Does he truly understand how much this is bugging you? My guess is 'no, he doesn't'. I hope that if he really gets that this is a problem, he'll help you solve it. Ideally, he should talk to his cousin with you, but if he won't, then go ahead and do it yourself. (Also, is it possible that his family culture just has far fewer boundaries than you're accustomed to? Maybe the cousin isn't aware of how much she's abusing the pool privilege...)
Let the cousin know that when your husband issued the invitation, he didn't realize she would be using the pool quite so often. Tell her that you would like some time to use the pool without having a crowd, and that you really need some time in the evening to unwind with only your husband there. Ask the cousin if you can agree on a time slot or two each week that she can use the pool; any other time she wants to swim, she has to call first. And if she calls at a time that is not good for you, she'll need to respect that. I don't see how that could possibly be offensive, if you present it politely.
The bottom line is that the pool is at your home and belongs to you and your husband - the two of you get to decide who uses it and on what terms. If someone else can't agree to your terms, too bad. They have no inherent right to use *your* pool.
Finally, as I'm sure other posters have mentioned, you and your husband could potentially be held liable if something bad were to happen to your cousin or one of the kids while they were in your pool - even if you're not home and they're present without an invitation. Also, make sure that your cousin isn't allowing her kids to invite their friends to your pool when you aren't at home. The liability alone is reason enough to seriously limit guest access to your pool, especially when you aren't at home.
Reclaim your backyard resort!
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oops - can't type.
[Read the article: Would you please get out of my swimming pool!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]that's "family tension" not tention....!