Letters to the Editor
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Published Letters: 82 Editor's Choice: 7
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Religious Persecution?!
[Read the article: Sinners in the hands of an angry GOP]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Christians constitute between 80 and 85 percent of the American population. Conservative protestants have control of the White House, both houses of Congress, and most of the state governorships. Everyone in the US has the privelege of being able to worship as he or she chooses in an easily-accessible, tax-exempt church, mosque, synagogue, temple, etc. For Christians in this country to claim that they are being 'persecuted' trivializes in a very ignorant and obnoxious way the actual instances of religious persecution currently happening in other parts of the world. In many places, religious groups are not allowed to worship or even meet openly. As we have seen in recent events, there are people subject to prison or even execution for their beliefs. In other places, minority religious groups are being politically, socially, and economically oppressed by others, and in some countries people are killing each other over religious beliefs. The vast majority of people living in the US, myself included, have no idea what real persecution is all about. Let's try to keep a sense of perspective.
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Moving seems like a bad idea in this case...
[Read the article: My boyfriend wants me to move, my daughter wants me to stay]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I see a few big problems with this whole situation:
1. It seems like the boyfriend is putting the burden entirely on LW. Would he be willing to uproot himself and move to her town? If so, you should at least explore that option. If not - this is a major, glaring problem in the relationship. He should not ask her to do something that he himself is unwilling to do. Bad things usually happen when one person makes most of the sacrifices in a relationship.
2. There is no talk of committment or long-term partnership. Life is full of uncertainty, but it seems reasonable for a parent of a young child to only take big chances that have a high probability of success. This situation just doesn't sound promising.
3. LW implies that if it weren't for this guy, she wouldn't even consider moving to that city. The move would create a significant hardship for her and her daughter, and if things with boyfriend don't work out, it may be very difficult to just pack up and move back to their hometown.
4. The 'seeing other people' suggestion indicates that this relationship probably isn't the real deal for Boyfriend anyway. If Boyfriend were truly in love with LW, seeing other people wouldn't be on the table. He would work with her to see how they could each make some compromises that would make their situation more workable for them as a pair and as a family.
5. The big one: Boyfriend and Daughter don't like each other very much. To uproot the 11-year-old daughter to a new city so that LW can be near a man who isn't committed to her and who doesn't like daughter is a recipe for disaster. Eleven-year-olds can be...um, difficult in the best of circumstances.
I understand how Boyfriend could be frustrated with the long-distance situation, and I'm not at all convinced that he's a bad guy. I just think that if he really believed the relationship was the real deal he would not ask the LW to take all the risks. And he would go out of his way to have a good relationship with the daughter. According to LW, he's not really doing either.
LW - love yourself, love your daughter, pursue your dreams and continue to be the strong, hard-working example that you are. You will be much happier with a partner who really is an equal partner, and who is willing to love and accept your child.
All the best to you.
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Your unhappy marriage could be more difficult for the kids than a separation....
[Read the article: Should I stay in my marriage?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]The first model of a relationship anyone sees is that of his or her parents. This model - good or bad - often has a huge impact on how kids later view marriage and relationships. If the parents are unhappy together, the kids are going to know. Kids are far more perceptive than most adults give them credit for, so pretending to get along and be happy probably isn't going to work for very long. If you have honestly tried to make the marriage work, and you're still miserable, the best thing for you to do may be to end it. Do some soul-searching and figure out how you and your ex can continue to be good parents when you're no longer together. Also, if you try to make a love-less marriage work, one or both of you will eventually go nuts. I'm sorry you have to go through this.
I would like to share a story with you about the effects of parents staying in an unhealthy marriage. My fiance's parents have been married for over 35 years, but have not gotten along for the past 20 years. In fact, they essentially do not speak to each other even though they live in the same house. In their culture, marriage is arranged and divorce is socially unacceptable. So, unhappy people stay together for the sake of family honor. For most of his life, my partner's primary model for a marriage was one in which the partners really didn't like each other very much. As a result, he had some serious committment issues as an adult - and understandably so. For quite some time he was slightly terrified to make a committment, because his idea of marriage was that of being "stuck" with someone. He eventually realized that his negative views of committment and marriage came directly from his parents' bad relationship. I never pressured him, and we have since been able to work through these issues.
I'm just sharing this story because I think it's important for people know how much of an effect a bad marriage can have on their kids and, by proxy, their kids' future partners/spouses.
If the marriage is absolutely not working, it's better for everyone for you and your ex to show your kids healthy, happy single parents.
Best of luck to all of you.