Ms. Green:

You've started very well, posting your initial thoughts about your very complex problem at 'SYU'. For whatever they are worth to you in your specific circumstances, you have Cary Tennis's response along with the responses of many others on the sidelines.

Some of this could be very helpful advice; some may be not-so-helpful; and some may even be wrong or damaging for you!

Whatever, make no mistake about the following: every bit of advice you get is - as far as YOU are concerned - "from the sidelines". Don't ever fall into the error of feeling: "My problem is resolved!" by your reading this advice from us outsiders.

Using these simple tools you will be able to arrive at a clearer understanding of just what it is you should be doing with yourself and with Himself...it will take you a while to arrive at a proper understanding... but I do assure you that you will get a whole new perspective.

(Even trying to put into practice whatever appeals to you from this advice rendered is meaningless UNLESS you integrate that appealing thought into your specific situation - including into your mind and heart. To begin with, in any case, you may in several cases have to 'choose' one or the other of alternatives where the advice given is conflicting: how do you do that in the right way for YOU, in YOUR situation??).

What you will need to do in order to make use of all the good/indifferent/and bad advice you may receive is to find out for yourself just how each 'element' of that advice works specifically for you.

In order to do that, you need to articulate an appropriate 'Mission' for yourself. Perhaps something along the following lines may do:

"To handle my boy friend's utter lack of environmental sensibility and responsibility in a way that would be appropriate for me".

Then you ask yourself a 'Trigger Question' about this Mission, like the following:

"What, in my opinion, are the THINGS I SHOULD DO in order to handle my boy friend's utter lack of environmental sensibility and responsibility in a way that would be appropriate for me"?

The 'elements' that have been generated by Cary, and by other readers of your plaint could go somewhat as follows (I've taken many of them just as I encountered them, without trying to find out whether they were consistent with each other or whether they contradicted each other):

1. To change the way 'Himself' thinks about environmental issues

2. To change the way I think about environmental issues

...

4. To actually leave Himself

5. To take Himself for what he is

6. To find a new boyfriend

...

9. To look at Himself in the light of just what he is today

10. To understand properly just what it is that I should do with myself and my feelings if I leave him unchanged

11. To get rid of Himself

12. To get myself a new boyfriend

13. To tell Himself that I find him sexually repellent because of his insensitivity

14. To find somebody better for me

15. To refuse to accept Himself as he is

...

19. To understand Himself better than I do now

20. To throw the dick out by the wayside, get myself someone better for me

21. To learn how to decide properly for myself

...

etc, etc

...and so on and so forth...

I've just taken a number of the 'elements' I've seen in the responses up to now. As you keep on generating those elements, you will get a global view of many things that are possible and potential in your situation.

Now, you have to 'put it all together' in such a way that it all reflects YOU as a person. HOW TO DO THIS?

You can do this by creating two different kinds of models:

One, simply put the elements from the listing of ideas you get into different "categories" (based on YOUR perception of issues) in the 'system' you need to build for yourself.

You do this by taking up the elements two-by-two and asking yourself specifically:

Is

------ (element A)

IN THE SAME CATEGORY AS

------ (element B)

If your answer is "NO", then the two elements above go into different categories. If your answer is "YES", then the two elements go into the 'same category'. (There is a little technology involved because the the sizable number of elements in the listing - there are simple, and 'freely available' tools to help you do the modeling involved). Using this process of putting elements into different categories (or just 'similarity classes'), you will come up with a picture of a 'system' containing a number of 'Dimensions'. The Dimensions you find will reflect YOUR situation with Himself, and that situation will include yourself and your feelings about Himself, about yourself as a person, about your world).

There is another kind of modeling tool available that will help you better understand yourself (and Himself) - this involves finding out how each of the above elements may "contribute to" each other. There is a little technology involved here to take advantage of the 'transitivity' of the relationship "contributes to".

Transitivity means:

If 'A' --> 'B' AND

if 'B' --> 'C', THEN

'A' MUST --> 'C'

(where 'A', 'B' and 'C' are elements and "-->" stands for the transitive relationship involved, here "contributes to")

I think I shall soon be running into the 1000-word limit on Salon - so I shall cease here...if you need to find out more about how to get hold of the tools I speak of, do write to me at gs (underscore) chandy (at) yahoo (dot) com, and I shall be happy to direct you to a site where you can get a free download of the tools described.

--- GSC