Imagine hearing or reading, "If I see one more freakin' menorah, I'm gonna smack someone." No one would interpret that as anything but anti-Semitism. Yet people feel free to whack Christmas up one side and down the other. In fact, it's fashionable to do so. But you know what? It's every bit as bigoted and narrow-minded.

I love Christmas for reasons that have nothing to do with religion. I love watching "A Christmas Carol" -- the Alastair Sim version -- with my husband and my Mom. Ditto "A Charlie Brown Christmas" and the Grinch, which remind me of my childhood and all the people who are now gone. There is nothing in these shows that anyone with a kind heart, regardless of their religion, cannot appreciate.

I love Christmas carols, which speak of joy and goodwill toward all and peace on earth. My favorite is "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear," the lyrics of which are truly beautiful. If there is anyone who cannot identify with lyrics such as, "for lo, the days are hastening on," I have yet to meet them. To me, that says, cling to your loved ones and appreciate them, and revel in this warm season in the midst of the cold, while you can.

If you have a chip on your shoulder about Christmas, or about any holiday of any religion that promotes good will, kindness, charity and peace on earth, you need to do a bit of soul-searching about what your real motives and prejudices are, and you need to open your heart to traditions that may not be familiar to you but that are worthy of respect or at least of tolerance. The fault lies not in the Christmas star, but in yourselves.

Bill Bratton bailed the city out of its crime crisis, while Giuliani took the credit. But Bill Clinton is the one who allocated more federal funding for community law enforcement -- and, more importantly, he's the one who turned the economy around. The city's renaissance would never have happened if the economy had remained stagnant.

Zippy the Chimp could have been mayor, and with Bratton and Clinton doing their stuff, the results would have been much the same. It would be hard to find a major American city, with the possible of exception of Detroit, that was not dramatically revitalized under Clinton's economy.

Also, Giuliani was by far the most Manhattan-centric mayor we've ever had. He didn't "eliminate" the porn shops -- he just moved them to the outer boroughs, where some neighborhoods became flooded with them. And if he had cared a whit about improving the crumbling business districts of the outer boroughs, we would have lost significantly fewer companies to New Jersey after 9/11.

For those concerned about Giuliani making it to the White House, take heart: Bush proved that even flogging 9/11 shamelessly will only get you so far--and with any luck, he's played that tune so often that no one wants to hear it from anyone any more. And even Giuliani's former hagiographers are getting sick of him. Recently, a member of the 9/11 Commission expressed regret that they had let him off so easily when they held hearings in New York.

Then there is the exhaustive vetting process, which, for Giuliani, would be even more scandalous than Kerik's. The mistresses. The police detectives used as chauffers to ferry Rudy and his mistresses around town and out to the Hamptons. The cronyism and corruption. There is NO WAY Giuliani will survive scrutiny.

...or is it possible that expensive hotel restaurants, or similar environments, intimidate her? If she's usually not such a prig, this incident may be a one-off thing; she may insecure about eating in an ostentatiously upscale place, where you probably paid a mint for those humble eggs, and she may be projecting her insecurities onto you.

Not that this is a good or healthy thing to do, mind you, but it's less ominous than the other possibility, which is that she is always a stuffed shirt, or always criticizing you for ridiculously trivial things. In that case, the yolk is on you.

P.S. NOTHING compares to dipping toast in eggs. I was recently on a diet that prohibited starch in the first two weeks, and tried dipping all manner of healthful vegetables into my eggs. What a humongous disappointment. There is simply no substitute for dipping a stiff piece of toast in a gooey yolk. And no, that's not a euphemism for anything.

If being "nice" to the Republican minority means watering down her commitment to the people who put her into power--people desperate for a new direction, and eager to reclaim their country--then I hope Nancy Pelosi is the least-nice Speaker ever. Because in light of how badly they have screwed up on every imaginable front since taking power, keeping the Republicans away from the legislative process is no "meaner" than keeping matches away from arsonists.

The Republicans have spent Bush's entire tenure in office shutting the Democrats out of everything but the restrooms, and now they're whining about being excluded for 100 HOURS? How irony-impaired are these clowns? It's as bad as Bush talking this week about a balanced budget--two words he never used in the same sentence while the Repugs held Congress--after running up the largest deficits in the country's history. Or complaining about earmarks, which his party has abused so freely (and feloniously) as to make drunken sailors blush. Or Tony Snow actually saying--amazingly, without being struck by lightning--that Bush's signing statements reflect his "respect" for the Constitution!! What will they do next--name the Department of Justice building after Jack Abramoff?

Keep it real, Nancy. And if necessary, keep it mean. We didn't hand you the gavel to watch you "play nice" with the bums we vociferously threw out.