LW --

You don't have to call, you don't have to go back there, ever, if you don't want to.

I think one of the interesting dynamics here is how the extended family is using guilt on LW. If Grandma is really asking for LW, why does't one of the family members get her number, dial the damn phone and put it to Grandma's ear??? It's just preferable for the family to guilt LW over the situation, and make it a drama about the bad granddaughter. Gossip is way more fun that dialing the phone for Grandma's family. And the letters here today -- all of the readers that push guilt trips on their relatives have come out of the woodwork to defend themselves and badmouth LW.

Your Grandma knows how your life and her life intertwined. Calling her does not change that, or enhance that. If talking to LW is her last wish, certainly another family member or nurse or someone can dial the damn phone, and quit the guilt and gossip.

I do agree that Southern families are different. I think my inlaws are related to LW. My family is of the stoic far Northern variety. You're a family. So what. If you call, you call, you're still a family. If you don't call, you don't call, you're still a family. That's how my family does it, but I know the BS that my inlaws would bring down in this situation.

It sounds like your move to the north was a good one, and you might want to consider less and less contact with the family. One of my cousins-in-law had to move to Europe to get far enough away. We're about a 1000 miles away from the inlaws and it's usually far enough, but they are always looking for a way to bring us into the drama. I just don't play the game anymore, I don't take the calls from the inlaws, I don't make the visits to the inlaws, unless I want to. And I mostly don't want to.

I have not called my own grandmother, in, maybe, 15 years. I see her 2-3 times per year. She is one of my favorite people in the world and I have notes from her on my fridge. It doesn't mean I love her less that I talk to her infrequently. I don't visit her in the hospital, unless she is there for a really really long time and is bored. We are still a family and still love each other greatly. Don't let your family force you into the belief that frequency of contact defines a relationship.

LW is not wrong. It's too bad the family is trying to hinge the relationship with the Grandma down to one little phone call. It makes no difference.

AC

Yes, Cosmic Mojo. Northern families are different.

I have Southern inlaws and it's a regular 3 ring circus compared to my Northern family.

My Northern family has a strict no-BS policy. In the last 15 years, there has been a small amount of BS between some cousins and it has lead to permanent factions. No one wants that, so we don't fight. If you don't have anything nice to say, keep your damn mouth shut.

You go along to get along. If you don't go, you drop out of the family for a while, we'll see you next Christmas and we'll have a present for you. We mailed you last Christmas's present when you didn't show, which was totally fine because we all had a good time. We don't care why you didn't show, your loss, we had fun!

The Southern family ... good grief. Everything has a pretext and a secret agenda, and how can we pit Aunt Joan against Aunt Bobby? Just ridiculous. And then the "we don't like those people but we pretend we do" and the "no, we love homosexuals but hate the sin" .... get over yourself.

AC

Sure, my family is crazy, no kidding. Plenty of divorces and out of wedlock kids and minor spats and whatnot. But we don't guilt anyone over it or have family obligations.

Just saying the Northern family has a completely different attitude than the Southern family. The Southern inlaws have a much stronger sense of obligation, and the Northern family does not.

Not calling when someone dies -- it actually would not occur to me to call my grandma when she is dying ... because she is busy dying! It would certainly not be expected of any of her grandchildren to call. It would be up to each of the grandchildren and no one would judge either way.

Some people weren't at my great grandma's funeral, I don't remember who was and was not there because it's nothing to worry about. If you were there, fine, if not, your business, not mine.

Youbetcha you must have a Minnesota family, too.

You have Christmas in a heated garage too? We're so big it's either that or the church basement. We're mostly German and French Canadian, our only Norweigan was the guy that left my Great Grandma, so we can't claim them!!

It's never okay to call someone that you don't even know a heartless bitch, unless it's Anne Coulter or someone like that. ;)

This is a real person, not a celebrity. Email stings and I am not sure you mean what you say.