Letters to the Editor
Michael Huggins
Published Letters: 33 Editor's Choice: 6
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Where is the part where she discovers you are having an affair with a teen?
[Read the article: How can I ditch my bitchy friend now that she has cancer?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Am I the only one who reads the amazing resemblance of this letter to "Notes on a Scandal" and wonders if it is real? Oh, for the days when Ann Landers used to smoke out the prank letter writers from Yale with the words, "Sorry, fellas, I spotted that New Haven post mark."
But supposing that the letter is real, the LW leaves out one of the most critical pieces of information: does her "friend" have no one else besides her? What if the LW's husband, or her own elderly parent, were stricken with cancer and the LW's time were consumed with taking care of that person: would Ms. Hateful be left all alone? Does she have any other victims? Any family? Church members?
LW, if this is really happening, you show a serious tendency to let yourself be victimized, that you need to overcome, and there will never be a convenient time to overcome it. If your friend has other resources, you need to say to her, "I'm sorry that the first time I can find the strength to be clear with you is a time that is so critical in your own life. You have shown no respect for me in the past, and if I continue to associate with you, I am showing no respect for myself. I'm very sorry for what has happened to your health and wish you a complete recovery. Meanwhile, I need to pursue my own life, free of association from those who are inclined to demean me. Goodbye."
If you really are her only resource and she is utterly bereft of any other comfort, then you need to say, "In our past association, you showed yourself willing to demean me for no reason. Despite that, I feel bad about what has happened to you and want to offer what comfort I can. I hope you can respond positively. If you find that you can't, and that you must still engage in demeaning behavior, then I need to let you know, frankly, that I can't continue to be in touch. I want you to know what is at stake. The choice, and the responsibility, will be yours."
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Halfway measures won't work
[Read the article: My Christian daughter says I'm going to hell]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Tennis's advice to go to church, have a private conference with a church official, and treat their doctrine of salvation as a "product" so as to convince the daughter that the LW has at least "engaged" with her belief will not work.
People who believe as this poor child does will not stop worrying, crying, or praying for the LW until he has knelt, wept for his sins, confessed his dependence on Jesus for salvation, professed an acceptance of the same, and followed up with an avid embrace of the church, its doctrines, and practices. What is generally true of Tennis is egregiously true in this case: he quite simply has no idea what he is talking about, and his advice is worse than useless.
LW, your child is going through a phase. I do not mean that as disrespectful toward mature adults who carefully choose a life of religious belief, but I do mean that any serious-minded child raised as she is being raised, will at some point look at his or her "unsaved" parent and weep for their putative fate. Nothing will cure their fear except (1) what I described above or (2) time.
It is certainly possible that the child may continue to adhere to evangelical religion for the rest of her life and eventually urge you, in firm but more reasonable terms, to "surrender your life to Christ." It is also very possible that, as she matures intellectually and emotionally, she will come to see the very considerable pitfalls of her present religious path and either one day abandon it in quiet embarrassment or perhaps even come to you, along about the time she is in college, and say, "My gosh, Dad, what in the world ever possessed me to act like that back then? Thank goodness you were mature enough not to get too upset about it."
There is nothing wrong with visiting church with her in the sense of projecting that you are mature enough not to use her as a proxy in a battle with her mother. But there is the risk I referred to above: that your attendance will tantalize her with hopes of your impending "salvation" that then make her disappointment--and fear for your "eternal destiny"--all the keener.
What you ought to do is this: sit her down, calmly, and say to her, "I know that the church you and your mother attend preaches that people like me are 'lost' and will go to hell. I know you are very sincere in that belief. I disagree. I know you wish very badly that I would 'surrender my life to Jesus.' I can only say that a matter like that is something that each of us has to work out on his or her own. I respect the fact that you feel very strongly about this, and if you would like to discuss God, or your belief, or read the Bible with me, I will be happy to do that. I think that religion can be a very important thing, but I hate to think that you are going to go through each day in fear of what will or will not happen to me if I don't believe as you do. I think the best thing I can suggest to you is that if you feel your faith is strong enough, that you will believe that God can somehow 'show me the way.' But aside from that, let's try to learn from each other and cherish our time together."
And then, calmly live that out.