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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
piglet21
Published Letters: 49 Editor's Choice: 6
Cary, I wouldn't read Salon but for your column. I really need to know that others in my socioeconomic demographic are suffering too. But that said, you really went off the rails on this one.
The letter writer and porn sufferer's problem isn't really why she feels uncomfortable about porn. All sane women should feel uncomfortable about porn. Not because it's bad (it isn't--it's as necessary an evil as methadone). Women should and do feel uncomfortable with it because it's an alternative to one of the few priceless commodities that any woman (or man for that matter) possesses--the ability to provide one's body for sex. Put another way: to men, women are Starbucks, porn is Sanka. Does Sanka fill the bill all the time? Hell no. But in a pinch, you heat up the hot water and shovel some Sanka into the cup to get through the afternoon at the office. Get it?
Her problem is that the alternative to her commodity will (and should) always be there for men and women because there is an inexorable gap between what one needs in one's sexual life and what one can generally get from the world around them (through girlfriend's, wives, prostitutes, groupies, whatever you have access to). It may be a small or large gap, but there is almost invariably that gap. So her problem is how to somehow accept and deal with the reality of porn in her life. That is a tough one for some people. But that is what you needed to advise her on. Because porn will, and should, always be available, ubiquitous, cheap, and handy.
There is a huge issue here that the letter writer never seems to fully (or partially) process: How/will she fit into the nuclear families that she intends to use (help?) to satisfy what appears to be a life crisis.
The "helpful aunt" is a nice notion in the abstract, but these families may not want her involvement at the level she seems to intend. I can say as a parent that I wouldn't. This is especially true given the fact that she seems to be approaching her nieces and nephews as more of a "fix my life and fill an emotional void" project than anything else. I can see their are altruistic motives as well, but there is a real danger that she will be an intrusive burden to these families and friction will develop.
If kids are the answer, then have your own kids and they can interact and grow with their cousins. If you don't want to pursue that role, then attaching yourself as a quasi-parent to the other families will be only a temporary solution to your life crisis, a complete failure, or both.
Cary left out what should have been the last line of his response if you actually follow his advice: And then prepared to be fired (or at least have your career progression promptly derailed).
Unfortunately, some times (i.e., virtually every time) it's actually better to just suck up to the powers that be. Yes, you'll be a sick, pathetic, soul-sucking sycophant in your organization. But then again, in a short amount of time you'll be at the top of the heap of pathetic sycophants and then the other pathetic losers in the organization will be left to offer undeserved professional recommendations to your son out of fear of losing their jobs if the incur your wrath.
Be pragmatic at the bottom. Then enjoy the top.
This relationship is simply over. Even after the writer leaves him, she'll come back to him at least briefly after "Bill" either dumps her or she realizes he was only desirable from a distance. But that too will be temporary because she and her current boyfriend are simply incompatible. The current boyfriend probably realizes this much more than she knows and maybe it will be a relief for him too if she finally turns the lights off and he can move on as well to someone with less baggage who he is more compatible with.
My only thought or wish for her is that she not try to milk him for part of the house he bought and that she give back the car that his family bought (plus all the other stuff his family and he probably provided her with). She describes him as immature, but from a financial/getting her life together standpoint, she may actually be equally as immature and maybe even more so. He has been mature enough at least to create a little "welfare state" for her where she has a house, a car, and medical/psychiatric care provided where she could not provide those things to herself. She should do the "mature" thing and return those things before she does the right thing and ends this.
Cary, this is one of your better pieces. It cuts right to the obvious substance of the matter but transcends it as well by putting it into the broader context of what does anything or anybody really amount to when we are face-to-face with our own mortality (the answer being that virtually of us who are not hit by a truck and killed instantly will one day find out).
Much of the initial coverage about Fort Hood turned out to be wrong. Is there anything wrong with that?
The accountability imposed by another country for the CIA's kidnapping and torture reveals much about our own.
Fox News' morning show plays to type, talking about whether Muslims in the Army should face "special debriefings"
The survivor and author is upset about comparisons some on the right are making to genocide
Once seen as a lunatic fringe, reactionary anti-women groups are courting respectability
Salon headlines in your mailbox
