When my sister-in-law was flat broke, she would have refused money from us, and didn't want us to give her gifts. So I asked my mother-in-law what she misses doing with money (going out to eat? Buying CDs?) MIL said she missed buying stuff for her aquarium. So we bought her a modest gift card from the aquarium store, then wrapped it in a box (because just opening an envelope on Christmas day is no fun.) She loved it, and that was money for her to spend on something she loved, guilt-free. We've also bought restaurant cards for couples with children who may not have the money for dinner at anyplace other than McDonalds.

I also buy gas cards for the local rock bands I follow. I love the fact that these exist; you can only buy so much merchandise, and handing them $20 bills seems tawdry, like you think you're buying something. But these are nice and clean and antiseptic, useful and the musicians really appreciate them.

I rarely give gift cards, but I put thought into those too, like sending someone a gift card to a restaurant I think they'd like but they've never been to. You can work with a gift card. I also like the idea of doing small individual presents; some of the most fun I have is buying the $7.50-or-under gifts for co-workers and the stocking stuffers for my nephew: what really cool gift can I get for the allotted budget? Gift-buying is still fun and motivating for me, even in this era of plastic.

When I took one of those "who is your ideal candidate?" polls earlier this year, Christopher Dodd turned up at the top of my list. I'm so proud. When I throw away my primary vote in Ohio, it'll either be Dodd or Kucinich, and right now I'm leaning toward Dodd.

Many of us have experience with unreliable memories: I've recently told a story as true which was actually a "wouldn't it be funny if..." thing my friend and I were riffing on. That was pure accident (and embarrassing for me.) Memory IS unreliable, even recent memories, let alone ones from years ago.

However, we're talking "I told a story about my friend's dog that wasn't true." I didn't tell someone I was a half-Native-American gangsta. There is a difference between events remembered incorrectly and events that are flat out LIES. And you know them when you write them.

There are certain kinds of "creative nonfiction," such as the humorous essay, a la Erma Bombeck, which is obviously not true and not intended to be taken for true. And I have no problem with writing a memoir as fiction. I just don't think you should write fiction as a memoir.

But brightstar actually has a good idea for dealing with the dating world when he says "fuck them if they can't accept me as I am." That's actually very healthy...as long as it is said with genuine self-acceptance and not with cynical bitterness.

In considering some of our "favorite" posters on the feminist forums, I think they probably do generalize from their own situations. I don't know what those situations are, but they remind me of guys I used to know and would never date. The most benign were the twentysomethings who chose the pose of the world-weary cynic in order to prove they were grown-ups. They might be entertaining to talk to for a while, but I ran the other direction FAST at the thought of dating one of them. I like my men fundamentally upbeat, and there were enough of them around that I didn't need to lower THAT standard. (Many of my friends outgrew that phase, others never did, and they married or didn't marry...there's not much of a long-term moral that, but in the short term I coulda told'em what their handicap was.)

The less benign were the ones who telegraphed their own bitterness about women in their past while striking up a conversation with me. My favorite was the guy who went off on me when he found out I was engaged (I was wearing my engagement ring--don't you guys do "ring checks?") He appeared to take it personally that I was engaged, even though it had happened several months before he met me. Or the guys who immediately tell you stories about evil exes, etc. Those were people with whom I only made the barest attempt at politeness before I fled the room.

I think it would be excellent to reframe the whole question as "what is an adult?", as opposed to a child? Brilliant--at that point there is a lot to discuss without all the messy gendered crap, on either side.

I can only say to some of the guys on this board: you were definitely fishing in the wrong pond. If you felt like you had to kowtow to your SOs because of tears, threats, "cutting you off," etc., then you chose badly. And if you truly feel you have no better choices, you need to move.

Gold-digging is a different kind of marriage scam, brightstar, and has of course been a grand old tradition ever since cavewomen coveted the caveman with a two-bedroom cave with Jacuzzi in Yellowstone Park. But at least a relationship WAS involved, there for a while. The anonymity of the Internet makes these scams against lonely people into a global enterprise rather than a mere cottage industry.

Nothing wrong with Internet dating, as the pool of eligible singles in your "crowd" gets smaller the older you get. It's just another tool, and can be helpful (I know at least three happily married couples who met online), but you need your eyes open and your BS meter running, as always. Which is, of course, hard when you are blinded with love/lust. (Ask Sir Paul....)