Letters to the Editor
domini
Published Letters: 1093 Editor's Choice: 76
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SweetMama
[Read the article: I know in my heart I'm going to leave my husband ... but when and how?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I have refrained commenting until now. I suggest you re-think divorcing until you get a job. There are several reasons.
When people re-enter the job market after several months or years out, they take pay cuts. Significant pay cuts. They don't anticipate it, and it is hard to adjust to. I know this from the hard data and from personal experience. Until you have a job, don't do anything.
You have a documented history of mental illness, and are in the Chicagoland area. You will need money for a really good lawyer, because the child custody laws in Illinois are stacked against mentally ill parents. One of my good friends was a DCFS worker there, and he was very eloquent on that point. The courts are gun shy about mental illness, thanks to several cases of mentally ill parents hurting kids and partners.
You are just now coming out of depression, and on several drugs. Don't do anything until you are weaned off the drugs. You can not trust your own judgement right now. It's too soon.
You do need to get out and stop focusing on yourself. That's called "rumination" in the parlance (your therapist will recognize it), and it reinforced depression. The more you ruminate on your ills, the more depressed and paralyzed you will be.
You need an outside assessment for your child, and advice outside of your network about the impact.
Good luck.
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I'm sick of the natural childbirth crowd
[Read the article: Should childbirth be pain-free?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]it is VERY WRONG of women who go the drug free childbirth route to be so judgemental against women who do use pain relievers. The "natural" crowd is very judgemental, claiming they're better mothers, stronger, better people, and this is not true. They say the mothers who use pain relievers are bad mothers and don't care about the health of the child, and that is not true.
A-fucking-men. I had my son after 52 hours of labor, and all of the water came out. I had pitocin, because my cervix was not dilated despite the water breaking. There is no way in hell I was having an orgasm from the most excruciating pain of my life! I had an epidural, after fighting with Nurse Ratchet, a natural childbirth Nazi who insisted it was "better" for me and the baby, and who ignored the research I had done on the REAL medical data at the NIH, not on pop sites. (There's no evidence that pain medication leads to bad outcomes in the refereed medical journals). If one of the doctors from my doctor's group was not in the hallway because of his son's birth, that judgemental, rabid bitch would never have fulfilled the order on my chart. My doctor and I had discussed it, and I had asked for "epidural on demand". He wrote that on the chart and the birth order. This nurse, on her own authority, decided to countermand it, arguing she was empowering me. Pain is not empowering; the pain, and her refusal to follow my directions or listen to me made me feel powerless. Add that I ripped because I did not have an episiotomy. That required surgery to correct. Depending on a woman's anatomy, episiotomies are sometimes less damaging than tearing.
Every woman's body and birth will be different. The key is that women's choices should be listened to and honored.With or without drugs is every woman's choice. We should not be ridiculed for any of our choices. But the natural childbirth crowd is far too willing to try to impose their views on people, inflate the decision into something it is not, and shame other women for having drugs.
I have run duathalons, run races, done a number of physical things. I would never equate childbirth to those experiences. Whether I finished or not was completely in my control, and was a factor of my training, etc. Childbirth is not on the same order. All the mother's pre-labor training in the world will not save you in a breech birth, or a number of other complications in labor and delivery. Accepting that some things are not in your control, and that it will not be ecstatic, that it will be hours of magnified menstrual cramps, gives a woman some perspective. If she can use breathing, and has a history of small to normal sized babies in the family, she can go non-drug. If she has (as I do) a history of whopper sized babies int he family (one of my brothers was a 10 pounder), pain meds are a definite option.
If I do have another child (we are trying), I will demand the option of pain medication. Most women realize that childbirth is not a competition, and refusing medication is not "better" than getting it. There's no medal for refusing meds; most will not see you as a better mom. Make your own choice and drop the judgementalism.
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I only gained 25 pounds, and I have stretch marks
[Read the article: Our stretch marks, ourselves]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I was active up to the 7th month (bedrest after a car accident). I breast fed, I'm active, all that. I still have stretch marks and a slight jelly belly. The doctor said that's normal for my shape (pear). I've gotten over it. To equate stretch marks with sloth is ignorant.
Very few women will be flat bellied. It's a variant. Most will have some sort of bulge, even before pregnancy, unless they are very low body fat (which is a danger in it's own right).
My husband loves this body. My husband loves me. I love him, flaws and all, too. Perhaps after a few of these people learn what love really is, they will be less judgemental about bodies. One can only hope.