The next day, I started breakfast myself, expecting that soon some of the others would join me. No one did. Instead, they all sat in the living room and talked and joked around together. After breakfast, I started to clean up. Once again, no one (except for my dear husband) was there to help; instead they all convened in the living room to talk and plan the events of the day together.

Another thing is that throughout the week, I noticed my friend making plans to do things with my sister without ever asking me or anyone else to join them -- and not things that related to interests that only the two of them shared, but things like massages that I would have happily partaken in.

It's a southern female thing. Leaving one person to do all of the cleaning up and work while you sit by and watch is rude and lazy. It's well understood by most women of a certain age in some cultures and places that this is shared work (remember- the other sisters and friend were helping each other- that's a clue that shared work is a part of the female culture. That's why LW was upset when there was no room for her_). If a woman does not do the shared work, if she goes and sits with the men (watching football, whatever) while other women work she will catch it from the other women. Been there, seen it. For them to leave her to do it by herself while they talked in laughed, in my generation and where I'm from, is the height of bitchery- first class cow . They should have been helping her, just as they helped the others. To leave her behind for a spa visit- that's just truly wrong. It's a specific female bonding event- and the LW's friend and sister did not ask her? They just went? My in-laws ask me before they do things like that, even if they think I will say no, out of respect and niceness. To not even ask is... I don't have the words for it. It just is not right. The spa thing really makes me think it is the sisters with the problem. That's basic social skills 101- you don't plan events in front of others in the family would want to go to without asking them. Discretion is a wonderful thing. These people were not discrete.

LW is recognizing that the sisters lazed out on her. She needs to stop enabling. But I don't blame her- this dynamic has been in place for a while. So don't do the dishes, don't cook breakfast, don't help out, go sit with the men and let the sisters serve ( and sit back and let them scream- play innocent and say "but you didn't have anything for me to do..."). WHen they whine, call them on it. Basically, why be around the lazy cows? My sisters-in-law have never treated me this way. I would be shocked if they did.

Some things are simple politeness. This stuff is simple politeness. Helping clean up, helping cook, is simple politeness. There's no excuse for that other than rudeness.

I don't make excuses for rude people. I find that makes me much happier. I hope LW gets to that place, too.

@domini

"The word is "triangulation". It comes from family therapy. It's a family dynamic that includes scapegpating and forming unhealthy alliances to keep one member out."

I haven't heard triangulation used that way. I've generally seen it posed as: Person A isn't getting what she wants from Person B, so Person A recruits Person C to help wear down Person B. There's also Triangular Passive-Aggression, where Person A cries or whines about Person B to Person C, so that Person C will voluntarily go pressure Person B.

Here are the definitions I use. A friend who is a therapist gave me a book on family systems theory a while ago to use when I was going through triangulation. What you are getting at is one of the forms, but triangulation is not limited to that form. See here:

Definition

http://family.jrank.org/pages/1707/Triangulation-Systemic-Structural-Family-Theories.html

In action

http://family.jrank.org/pages/1710/Triangulation-Conclusion.html

http://books.google.com/books?id=xPRf8YCa7-wC&pg=PA405&lpg=PA405&dq=triangulation+familt+therapy+definition&source=bl&ots=KTyeRYzdeh&sig=EJ7HfwpPQDvng-8qCRmLbaM9ikI&hl=en&ei=_J3jSYa7E4XnnQe08o23CQ&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=10

I suspect the problem is with the sisters, not the LW. LW needs to simply leave the sisters alone and place some strong limitations on them. They are overly emeshed with each other, to the point of leaving her out. They don't tell her why because the reason is either petty, unacceptable, or because they are bitches who like to have power and control by screwing with other people. Her friend got caught by the mob mentality and forgot LW. It seems like the other sisters do that alot.

LW should cut them out. If mom tries to mediate, do not let her. If the sisters want a relationship, let them work for it. If they don't work for it, let the cards fall as they may. They sound out of control.

They either 1. migrated a database or 2. coverted to some dumb off the shelf database product and 3. some minimum wage clerk clicked a setting they should not have or 4. they're CYAing because some idiot thought he or she could change the filter settings and no one would catch it. I've seen that one; "no one pays attention and I don't like ________, so I'llchange the settings and put the stuff I like first."

Amazon screwed up. I'm not sure it is deliberate.