Letters to the Editor
domini
Published Letters: 1157 Editor's Choice: 79
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Set boundaries
[Read the article: My family gives me no respect]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]LW, your family is out of line. Tell them so, and enforce it. Don't talk to them, call, initiate contact. Skip Thanksgiving and go somewhere fabulous. Do things that you enjoy. When they ask why, tell them that you don't appreciate their conduct, and don't need to put up with it.
When they start in on the abuse, hang up the phone, leave the house. Always have transport. Use technology for distancing- email is great, so are cards. Give them no opportunity to abuse you. No one can abuse you without a weapon if you just leave.As for the angry sisters, ignore them. It will drive them crazy.
Go to the therapist and get the reality check. Ask the therapist sincerely what is going on. It could be that you are the family scapegoat in a family system. In family systems analysis, families use scapegoats to avoid other problems. The "20 years to describe dysfunction" is a classic sign of a family triangle using a scapegoat. They use scapegoating to avoid looking at themselves. Having "official" proof you are fine does help put crazy family members in perspective.
Remove yourself from the abuse. Set the boundaries. Prepare for family silence for a while. That may be the most healing thing you will get. Surround yourself with loving friends and don't look for affirmation from your family. Give up on it.
They will get worse, and add manipulative and guilt to the mix. Detach and watch them, as Cary suggests. If you can say to them "That's really manipulative" or "Really, what a mean thing to say" you can modify the behavior. When they accuse you of being oversensitive, tell them that normal people take offense at their behavior. Tell them that they are not normal, and just leave. If you stay, there will be fireworks.
Eventually, your refusal to put up with abuse will condition them to stop doing it.
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Layoffs are killing the gay marriage issue
[Read the article: Who's afraid of the big bad gay marriage amendment?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]The people in my small town who would have supported the gay marriage ban just got laid off. The employer, a significant one here, is now in chapter 11, and is repudiating pensions, severance, etc. Lifelong conservative Republicans just had their worlds destroyed. Gay marriage is not on their agenda now. They can't feed their kids. This town does not have many good jobs, either. Gay marriage bans suddenly look less important, versus outsourcing and corporate misbehavior.
I guess when enough people get laid off the whole thing will die. Given corporate America's love of the layoff, that is happening now.
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Defeaming school officials always leads to some punishment
[Read the article: MySpace or OurSpace?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Defaming a school official in a public place is a expellable offense in most places, because the schools have a right to maintain order. Defamation of school officials undermines order and the person's ability to do his or her job. I have not one ounce of sympathy for the the MySpace person there.
If it's on the web and not locked down, it is generally assumed to be public. Copyright law is very specific about the web being a public forum, and if it is available without a password or firewall, it is considered "public publishing". That's why university libraries and intranets keep their online article reserves behind password protected walls.
If kids want to use MySpace, they need to use better judgement. There is no inherent right to a MySpace page, and if it is free to the world, anyone, including the cops, can read it. If you publish it and the cops pick it up, you can not complain that they needed a warrant.
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Divorce is expensive
[Read the article: My queer radical feminist peers are aghast that I want to marry]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]"My older friends, mostly 30- to 40-year-old teachers, poets and activists, are too enamored of my youthful freedom to bear talk about settling down."
That's because they are old enough to know better. I have too many students who married at 19-22, and divorced 1-3 years later. She needs to wait, finish college, and live. People who marry that early often have nasty midlife crisis, feeling like they missed something.
If he's the one, have the adventures with him. Travel, work, and play. Wait until at least 25-26.
You can never get these years back.
I did not marry until 33, and I am much happier than my peers who married early. I have an established career, which made motherhood/career easier. I had dated enough to truly appreciate my spouse. I don't feel that I missed out on anything.
Wait and play. There's no rush.
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The ACLU has lost these cases before
[Read the article: MySpace or OurSpace?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]The district didn't want the cost of a suit. The ACLU lost every Marilyn Manson, every T-shirt defamation, etc. case. Schools can expell students for being indicted and and convicted of crimes committed off-school property. Arenas was lucky, and he's not smart enough to know it.
When he gets a job, and does something like this, he'll get fired and sued. His parents and the ACLU did him no favors by encouraging his sense of entitlement.
The saddest thing here are the posts saying, essentially, "Let the police handle it" or "Sue criminally." Those two things mess up people for life. Had the police handled it as a threat, Arenas would have e criminal record that could prevent future employment. Had the principal sued (he would have a good chance at winning), the kid and his parents would be out of his college money, as well as substiantial lawyer fees.
Teens feel entirely too entitled today. With freedom comes responsibility and consequences. Let the schools discipline the little idiots. When we practice this leniency about discipline, we spread the feeling of entitlement to other teens, and hurt the ability of schools to teach. Until we, as a nation, empower schools to discipline, we will continue to have bad outcomes nationally. From Arenas to cheating students to teachers who give up is a very short line. You can't teach without discipline, and you can't discipline without respect. Arenas' parents should have backed up the school authorities.