Letters to the Editor
Aparecida
Published Letters: 41 Editor's Choice: 6
-
Enlist Friends' Help
[Read the article: What's worse -- my breast cancer, or my relatives trying to "help" me?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]When a friend of mine had breast cancer she enlisted the help of two or three of us to act as gatekeepers. We sat down with her and she made a list of people whose visits would be helpful and encouraging, as well as those who would be toxic and draining. We ran interference with the "toxic" people. And we also got the word out that our friend did not need any self-help, new age, etc. books. Think of the people in your life who want to be helpful without being compassion junkies and emotional vampires. Use those friends to help you guard family time, answer the phone, etc. Be very assertive about what you do and do not need from your closest friends, and they can be your allies in this experience.
I should also say that you can find many members of the clergy who will forcefully disabuse so-called well-wishers of the notion that God "sent" this illness. Many members of the clergy are skilled in protecting patients and their families from bad theology.
You might also seek out women who have survived what you are going through. My friend sought out the best possible care, enlisted the support she wanted, and was very assertive with toxic famiy and misguided friends. Ten years out, she and her husband and son are happy and very healthy.
-
Exactly what it feels like...
[Read the article: Mom's a pothead]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]"If she chooses to keep smoking pot, she is telling her kid to fuck off.
That is what she is saying. That is what it feels like. "
Cary nailed it. Substitute vodka for the pot, dress the characters in bad 1970's fashions, change some cultural window dressing, and you have my teen years. And there is no bigger waste in the world than a parent looking at a child through a haze and trying to demand "respect." The more the parent asserts the right to destroy him or herself and denies the reality of the state he or she is in, the more love and respect gets eroded.
There are ways to rebuild the love and respect, but they're not surefire. They take a lot of work and a lot of time. Like 30 years and counting.
-
Your past won't always look the way it does this week
[Read the article: My Southern grandmother is dying, and I don't want to go back]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]LW, I'm guessing that you are in the process of sifting through your life and trying to figure out what it all means. Maybe you are in therapy, maybe a 12-step group, maybe you're just reading a lot of Sartre. It may very well feel safer to avoid your family right now. You may have already had to visit some uncomfortable parts of your own soul and realize some hard truths. If you make the phone call and the appearance at the funeral, things probably will not play out like the final frames of a Lifetime movie.
The problem is that those truths you are currently unearthing and examining can and will change over the years. However things may look now, they will look very different in 10, 20, or 30 years. And who says hypocrisy is the worst crime you could commit?
Hedge your bets. Print out AKA Smith's letter, gather all your psychic armor, and do what people do. If nothing else, consider it a gift to your future self.
-
I watched the interview/ plus medical news
[Read the article: Flying the child-unfriendly skies]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]During the GMA interview the kid was fidgety and fussy, not a monster. The issue was more that he was difficult to hold, arching his back (as kids do when they are uncomfortable) and moving around on his mother's lap. Things got mildly problematic when they gave him a model of the space shuttle to play with; it skidded off the table and they prevented him from going to get it. And the mother did try to quiet him. When they took him off camera, he calmed right down. As another poster said, if you look at the time, it was 7:30 a.m., which meant that they had probably been sitting around for at least an hour waiting to go on. They'd probably been up since 5:00 or so.
I was a kid in the "good old days" (late 1950's and early 1960's). I wore white gloves and spoke only when spoken to and was very good all the time. I never got tired or hungry, never fought with my siblings, and amused myself by reading the classics in the original Greek. I never dropped anything, spilled anything, or responded fearfully to a confusing situation. At least, that's how I remember it.
Did you know that medical science has proven that glaring at strangers will eventually make you look exactly like Rowan Atkinson playing Mr. Bean? Check often for signs of unibrow and nostril flare.
-
For the Love of Dog, Don't Make a Speech
[Read the article: I have guilty knowledge about my girlfriend]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]In life, the lighting is just not as kind as in the movie. Also, you don't get stirring, vaguely Celtic music playing under your voice.
As others have said, be happy now. You had a crush. She reciprocated, and you've got something happening. It might all end, or it might not. You're both alive, healthy, and together. Trust me, someday these things will seem like a great gift, whether the relationship works out or not. Pay attention to reality, not to your own insecurities, and live this experience as it is.
Internet searches are an imperfect technology. At best they give you enough information to keep from getting drunk and phoning someone at 2:00 a.m. At worst they can feed unhealthy obsessions. But you don't have to obsess - you have the object of your desire, never more available than she is right now. Stop thinking like a stalker and enjoy what you have.
Her ex-boyfriend is a loser. The world is full of them, and a sizeable subset do have engrossing writing styles. Nonetheless, they are losers. If you start playing the ex-boyfriend's game by giving his loser blog any credence, you too will become a loser.
And none of us wants that.
Go ahead and take her someplace nice, without the speech.