Letters to the Editor
XOXO
Published Letters: 43 Editor's Choice: 4
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Meeting Needs
[Read the article: What happened to all my dad's money?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Cary, that was an observation of great value. It is an understanding that can provide a good foundation for compassion. The LW's father will be much better able to accept help from a compassionate source than from a judgmental and angry one.
I have friends who are going through something like this, though without the divorce. He was entering his seventies, and had money, property, several sorts of loneliness, and a boyish lack of introspection. She had struggled all her life, had two kids, and was in her early forties. He tried to take care of her the way he thought she wanted. He was generous with her kids, putting one through beauty school, putting the other in one of his houses and helping support him as he struggled to find his way. She would get anxious about the expenses of things periodically, and he would explain how everything was great. But it wasn't great. Over five years he blew everything he had put together. She feels badly that he blew it on her. She liked her old Toyota. She didn't need a Land Rover. She didn't need to eat out six nights of the week, but he liked it that way. He feels badly because he's not going to be able to be the only thing he thought she could care for, the expansive guy with abundant resources. At least, that's how it looks to me. He's seventy-six now, and just started working at Home Depot. With luck, they'll be able to keep one of their houses, but it's going to be a messy piece of work before that's clear. He has a lot of shame about it all. You can say that he was irresponsible and confused, but even so, I have to believe his priorities were correct. Companionship is so, so, important. We die without it. The LW's father is probably less concerned with the loss of his money, than the loss of companionship, the meeting of those needs Cary was talking about. There is no reason I can see, from the letter, to assume a bad motive on the part of the ex-wife. Her disappointments and struggles are not really visible to us. Their marriage lasted longer than many, and the financial complications around the break-up do not sound particularly complicated, as divorces with property go.
Oh, I should also mention that my father is spending my inheritance, at an impressive clip, with his second wife. He is not what I would call happy, but he is at least busy. He is doing his best to meet needs. The potency of shopping is a great consolation to old men who have not spent much time learning the more subtle lessons of the heart. We have much to learn from our fathers.
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Meeting Needs
[Read the article: What happened to all my dad's money?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Cary, that was an observation of great value. It is an understanding that can provide a good foundation for compassion. The LW's father will be much better able to accept help from a compassionate source than from a judgmental and angry one.
I have friends who are going through something like this, though without the divorce. He was entering his seventies, and had money, property, several sorts of loneliness, and a boyish lack of introspection. She had struggled all her life, had two kids, and was in her early forties. He tried to take care of her the way he thought she wanted. He was generous with her kids, putting one through beauty school, putting the other in one of his houses and helping support him as he struggled to find his way. She would get anxious about the expenses of things periodically, and he would explain how everything was great. But it wasn't great. Over five years he blew everything he had put together. She feels badly that he blew it on her. She liked her old Toyota. She didn't need a Land Rover. She didn't need to eat out six nights of the week, but he liked it that way. He feels badly because he's not going to be able to be the only thing he thought she could care for, the expansive guy with abundant resources. At least, that's how it looks to me. He's seventy-six now, and just started working at Home Depot. With luck, they'll be able to keep one of their houses, but it's going to be a messy piece of work before that's clear. He has a lot of shame about it all. You can say that he was irresponsible and confused, but even so, I have to believe his priorities were correct. Companionship is so, so, important. We die without it. The LW's father is probably less concerned with the loss of his money, than the loss of companionship, the meeting of those needs Cary was talking about. There is no reason I can see, from the letter, to assume a bad motive on the part of the ex-wife. Her disappointments and struggles are not really visible to us. Their marriage lasted longer than many, and the financial complications around the break-up do not sound particularly complicated, as divorces with property go.
Oh, I should also mention that my father is spending my inheritance, at an impressive clip, with his second wife. He is not what I would call happy, but he is at least busy. He is doing his best to meet needs. The potency of shopping is a great consolation to old men who have not spent much time learning the more subtle lessons of the heart. We have much to learn from our fathers.