Wasn't there that study in the Lancet a year ago (this report from the Guardian is dated October 29, 2004: http://www.guardian.co.uk/Iraq/Story/0,2763,1338749,00.html) that put civilian casualties in Iraq at 100,000?

Given Fallujah and other major assualts since then and the fact that Iraqi casualties from carbombs and suicide bombers within Iraq are much higher than US casualties, and it would seem more like 150,000 than 25,000.

In general I agree with the points expressed in all the other letters... but a unison chorus always starts to make me worry and look around for the counterpoint.

I have a close friend going through a divorce right now, in quite a similar situation - he was a dreamer and wanted to be a star and neglected the family to do it. But after the separation he realised that he really wanted his family, and was willing to change his patterns completely (I know, I know, most guys will say that and most won't follow through, but in this case I do believe him). But his wife has completely closed the door to any reconciliation and served divorce papers.

I can totally understand her perspective - she's put up with his shit for 10 years, and he's promised to change before and not followed through, and she's enjoying her newfound freedom. If they got back together it would be work for both of them, and there's a lot to overcome.

But I really do think kids need their Dad in their lives if it's at all possible - I'm so glad I see my kids every dy, not just on weekends, and know they feel the same - and shutting the door completely is making a choice for them as well as for you.

Wits' End's guy needs a massive wakeup call, and it might take a separation to do that. But if everyone is right, and he's looking for an excuse to go, then the separation gives it to him, but if a wakeup call will refocus him... I just think it's worth a shot.

Cary did a great job of answering this letter, and I recognise that the puzzle is a complicated one and the answers are not easy. Let me add one more piece:

My wife grew up as the half-sister of six older siblings. Their mother had died and her father married her mother at 40. My wife's mother made it clear that her own child was the favourite: and that made it hell for her own child. My wife still does not have good relationships with her half-siblings, and felt resented and unloved all through her childhood.

So if it's tough to love (or even like) the stepkids for their own sake - and to do the heavy lifting Cary prescribed - then start to do it for your own child's sake: and it will benefit the step-kids and you and your husband too.

(And, of course, both love and dislike ripple out into the world and through the generations - which do you want your life to spread?)

Awesome job, Bagheera25: something I've been trying to convey for some time, without much success. Thanks for your clear thinking and eloquence.

djbollman - projecting your own hangups onto everyone else is a classic category error. I'm a straight man who is very comfortable with gay men and watching gay men, and will very likely see the movie. So much for 'excluding all straight men'.

*cough*analmuch?*cough*

I thought Cary's article was thoughtful, and that in fact it does apply to the other possible permutations of the situation: in any relationship, in any situation, and whether the violence is physical or 'merely' emotional, complication and ambiguity and understanding are all mixed up, and we need to try to heal and grow and find solutions, not just run and damn...

On the other hand, I don't think the letter writer ought to take so much comfort in his physical superiority. I can think of at least two examples: she loses control but happens to have a knife or a bat or a gun in her hand, or he becomes disabled in some way, later into the marriage. In either case he'd potentially be in mortal peril - losing control is losing control.

I think there are solutions for this couple, but they're hard ones, and they need to be taken very seriously indeed.