I feel true empathy reading Academic Wife's letter because, unfortunately, I found myself in a similar situation that did not turn out well.

I am married to a graduate student in a rather esoteric academic field. During much of our long relationship, we were both students. Then I graduated from law school six years ago and began supporting him while he worked (or didn't work, as was often the case often) on his PhD. I worked grueling hours, providing him with a very comfortable lifestyle, with the understanding that once he graduated, I would find less taxing work. Two and a half years ago, we finally married. I continued to support him, both emotionally and financially, and I accepted the fact that we would most likely have to relocate wherever he was able to find work.

My husband frequently attends academic conferences around the country. I was the trusting wife who never suspected anything. Then I discovered that he was having an affair with a professor that he met at one his conferences. Their affair began only a few months after our wedding. She knew he was married; it didn't bother her. They met at a hotel bar and slept together the first night they met. Their affair lasted a year and a half, until she broke things off with him.

Looking back at my terrible situation, I realize that I had been sacrificing too much for our relationship all along. I was always the one who was accommodating and supporting him. Carey's advice to Academic Wife about not losing sight of herself is excellent. I would also add that, as much as she dislikes many of her husband's colleagues, it is important that she know who they are and what her husband's relationship with them is like. I would also suggest that as a couple they make some non-academic friends, if possible. What about Academic Wife's colleagues, for example?

LW and Adam are having an emotional affair that will probably turn physical once she

lives in the vicinity. LW should wake up and realize that she already IS the other

woman. As others have pointed out, if this is an innocent relationship, why hasn't Adam informed his wife about it?

Of course LW thinks she has a strong bond with Adam. They do, in a sense: they are co-conspirators in an emotional affair that he is keeping from his wife. As far as their "connection," I wonder how long that would last in the real world, with its inevitable stresses and without the "excitement" of an illicit relationship.

The fact that LW is comparing other potential SOs to Adam is pretty pathetic. These men don't measure up to a man who has been having an emotional affair and lying to his wife about it for 7 years?

LW, you say you worry that you're just some sort of dirty little secret. Guess what? You are.

Ahh, LeCasteour, even if the wife is, as you say "a horrible wench, or a cold, insensetive woman" it doesn't excuse either Adam or LW's behavior. If she is really so awful, then Adam should divorce her rather than deceiving her for 7 years.

I loved the letter (and responses) to the young woman who wanted to know why her

friends wouldn't just shut up and let her die (and maybe you could include the entire letter if space would permit). A follow up on how she is doing would also be welcome.

I also recall a letter from a woman whose husband was a professor, with (what she perceived to be) snooty, intellectual friends, and she was convinced that he was going to cheat on her with one of his graduate students.

Also, your response to yesterday's letter writer was really quite wonderful.

What disturbes me the most about increased popularity of plastic surgery is that it appears to advocate a homogenous, western concept of "beauty." Small noses are desired, curves are eradicated by liposuction, Asian eyes are reconstructed to appear rounder, etc. The emphasis on a western concept of beauty is born out by the numbers: From 2000 to 2005, there was a 65 percent increase in so-called ethnic plastic surgery, according to the American Society of Plastic Surgeons. For the overall population, the increase was 38 percent. I recently read an article about how common place rhinoplasty has become for women in the middle east so that they, too, can have smaller "Western" noses.

Even aside from so-called ethnic plastic surgery, the same emphasis on homogenity also exists for white women: small WASPY noses, big round breasts, slim to non-existent hips, and artificially inflated lips.

What does it say about our society that we have embraced such narrow definitions of who is beautiful?