Gentlemen,

In response to Mark Follman's timely article, I am posting an updated "modest petition" inspired by Jonathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal" in support of eating Irish children to allay famine and poverty. I apologize in advance for breaking the "petition" into two parts to meet the 1000 word limit.

Regards,

FMArouet21st

A MODEST PETITION IN SUPPORT OF TORTURE (Part 1 of 2)

We, the undersigned, call upon the Senate and the House of Representatives to oppose Senator John McCain's efforts to ban the Bush Administration's torture of detainees. We support the Administration's rejection of the Geneva Conventions of 1949; the UN Convention Against Torture and Other Cruel, Inhuman, or Degrading Treatment or Punishment of 1987 (ratified in 1994); and the U.S. Anti-torture Statute (Title 18, Part 1, Chapter 113C).

We must not allow the Administration's hands to be tied by U.S. or international law, and we strongly support President Bush's and Vice President Cheney's opposition to Senator McCain's misguided amendment.

The sponsors of this petition invite all signatories to append their best arguments in favor of the continuing use of torture and the Administration's decision to disregard U.S. and international law.

Signed:

Richard B. Cheney, God's Chosen Vice President and Chief Administration Proponent of Torture

"Although the 'mission' was 'accomplished' long ago, the Iraqi insurgency has been in its 'last throes' for many months, and our new 'Plan for Victory' poster campaign is sure to frighten the terrorists in Iraq and elsewhere into complete submission, we still need to keep torturing them there, so we don't have to torture them here. And you had better sign this petition, or else my staff and I will find a way to get even."

George W. Bush, God's Chosen 43rd President of the U.S.

"Just because the U.S. has signed and ratified the Geneva Conventions and the UN Convention Against Torture and has its own Anti-torture Statute on the books, that doesn't mean I have to abide by them. I'm a very commanding Commander in Chief, and in pursuit of my divine mission I can do anything I want, to whomever I want, for as long as I want. The laws of mere men do not apply to me, and neither does the Golden Rule. This I know, for the Bible tells me so. Who's gonna stop me? Hey, the gloves are off, so bring it on!"

Donald H. Rumsfeld, God's Chosen Secretary of Defense and Torture

"It is irresponsible, reprehensible, and shameless to criticize our deceptions, thereby failing to support our troops. What's wrong with letting my boys blow off a little steam by torturing detainees? Just because some detainees die from suffocation or blunt force trauma, that doesn't mean we're doing anything actually illegal."

Alberto Gonzales, God's Chosen Attorney General and Chief Administration Legal Advocate for Torture

"When I was at the White House, my bosses asked me to write legal guidance exempting them from inconvenient international and domestic bans on torture and indefinite detention, so I did. Now that I'm Attorney General, I'm duty-bound to follow my own guidance that the Geneva Conventions, the UN Convention Against Torture, and the U.S. Anti-torture Statute are 'quaint' and 'obsolete,' just like I wrote in my memo of January 25, 2002.

"And just in case, I've promised a 'Get out of Jail Free Card' to my bosses and everyone else in the Administration. Hey, I'm no dummy. I'm not going to prosecute the people who hired me. That's why they hired me."

Porter J. Goss, God's Chosen Director of Central Intelligence and Loyal Apparatchik

"Rummy and Dick are starting to worry that they may someday be charged with war crimes, so I've offered to have my people do all of the torturing. If a civilian, rather than a military man, is the torturer, it isn't really a war crime, is it? Besides, with our nifty gulag of secret prisons throughout the world, we can hide our prisoners forever from the International Committee of the Red Cross, the UN, pesky human rights groups, lawyers, courts, and certainly from any wobbly U.S. Senators.

"I'm sure that my boys can be just as tough, thorough, and unaccountable as the Gestapo and the KGB ever were. But may I suggest that instead of calling our methods 'torture,' perhaps using the term 'innovative interrogation techniques' would be better for P.R. purposes around the world? 'Torture' is a bit of a hard sell for Karen Hughes in her public diplomacy. And if we can all remember to say 'We don't torture' often enough, maybe someone, somewhere, will actually believe us."

Condoleezza Rice, God's Chosen Secretary of State and Brandisher of Smoking Guns

"I am totally confident that if we persist in using innovative interrogation techniques on enough Iraqis for enough years, we shall surely be able to make at least one say that Saddam had a smoking gun and a mushroom cloud, just like I warned."

Stephen Hadley, God's Chosen National Security Adviser

"I just follow my orders from Vice President Cheney: cook the pre-invasion intelligence on WMD in Iraq, fabricate a bogus connection between Saddam Hussein and al-Qaida, lay the groundwork for invading Iran and Syria, work with Scooter and Karl to make shrill attacks on the critics of our deceptions, start the next world war, sign this petition..., whatever."