Letters to the Editor
Older and Wiser
Published Letters: 56 Editor's Choice: 19
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Thrill Seekers
[Read the article: How can we get back the thrill in our relationship?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]"What can we do to bring back the earlier days of our relationship?" The answer is, to put it succinctly: nothing.
Here they are, juniors in college (elite, no less), only 15 months into dating...and the thrill is gone. Gosh, he sounds so jaded, so "is that all there is?", so puppy-love-with-sex. What's lacking here is perspective and maturity. Sure, she may be great, but as time goes on, she'll become more familiar. You can continue to enjoy what's great about her and continually discover new things, or you can go "been there, done that," and move on to the next gf who will give you the next thrill.
Relationships either evolve or deteriorate. The ones that become stagnant could become a source of boredom, resentment, infidelity...you get the picture. Maintaining a relationship takes time, patience, understanding, compatibility, and--through all the petty annoyances and occasional boredom at hearing the same stories repeated--a genuine sense of contentment that you're with the right person, because that person understands you, loves you as you are, and is continually kind and giving, as well as being an interesting person in his or her own right.
In a good and lasting relationship, the initial thrill never comes back. It is replaced, however, by trust, confidence, creating a history together, sharing good times and bad. The "thrill" of starting to date a veritable stranger is replaced by the thrill of knowing that you can confide in someone who knows you and will love you even when you're not at your best.
Relationships are only as boring as the people in them. You two are so young (like babies to someone my age), and have so much of life ahead of you. You can't even be sure that this woman is meant to be your life partner, yet.
You might want to evaluate your need to be "thrilled," to make sure that it's not a matter of attention span, or an addiction of sorts to that "falling in love" feeling. You might want to consider that thrills will come in other areas (academic, professional, recreational) and that they can be shared with someone special on an ongoing basis.
You're probably not ready for a long-term relationship, and that's fine. But if you're going to perpetually seek the "thrill" of newness, you'll probably find that you'll go from one relationship to another without learning what it takes to create a long-lasting relationship in which the newness is a passing phase to be sweetly remembered, but should develop into something that's deeper, sometimes more challenging, more gratifying, and with potential to share different, new thrills together.
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Middle-Age Relationship
[Read the article: Why won't my boyfriend introduce me to his daughters?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]There has been a lot of very good advice given here already--I concur that his lack of openness and willingness to involve LW more in his life should raise enough red flags in her head to enable her to move on.
From my own perspective, I'm approaching my middle 50's, and met my BF (same age) seven years ago; started dating over three years ago. He was never married, but shares a house with his sister. I'm divorced, two sons (20 and 15).
All I can say is that my dear BF is an open book. I get along well with his sister, he's very respectful to and generous with my sons, we've met each other's (in some cases almost lifelong) friends, have friends in common. There's no "secret life" or any skeletons that I can imagine will suddenly leap out of a closet.
Having this kind of confidence and peace of mind is a wonderful thing. Not revealing everything up front is understandable, but after years go by (and we ain't getting any younger), if you don't know anything more substantial about a person and haven't met the important people in his life, you should have figured out long ago that it probably won't happen any time soon.
You have the choice of accepting the relationship as it is, without it ever changing, or realizing that he's not going to give you what you want, and move on. Even in your 50's. there's no need to be desperate. It will not give you the results you'd like. If you're intent on having an intimate relationship, then getting out in the world and valuing yourself and attracting nice, appropriate men who will give you respect and affection will improve your chances of a happier, more fulfilling life.