Letters to the Editor
Older and Wiser
Published Letters: 56 Editor's Choice: 19
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Oh, Great--Another "Rescuer"
[Read the article: My 28-year-old girlfriend wants to do drugs -- just like I used to!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]What is it with these guys who need to have control over the women they're involved with? Who think, as another responder pointed out, they're "older and wiser" (hey, don't associate witih my moniker!), and can tell them how to live their lives?
Most of the responses I've read thus far took my immediate reactions out of my keyboard, e.g., "You're not her father," "You can't tell a 28-yr-old what to do," "She's immature, potential trouble, and this relationship probably won't last."
Since that ground has been pretty much covered, I just wanted to add that I can't get over how many people, in this day and age (when sophisticated psychological info is more readily available, and not just psycho-babble), nurture a craving to "fix" another person. And, to be honest, the combination of a "paternal" guy with a younger, troubled (or potentially troubled) woman really rankles me.
Regardless of the drug issue here (which I don't take lightly, although I think some of the stances toward mj are too draconian), I think LW should consider why he's attracted to such a woman to begin with. Hmmm...let's see...she's got all these "vulnerabilities," such as not being a citizen, younger than he, exhibiting a penchant toward high-risk behavior, sorta like a rebellious teenager. Aha! Someone who he can feel superior to, someone whose life he can "fix," and who will be subsequently endlessly grateful to and obedient of him. PHOOEY!
The question here is--why can't, or won't, he seek out a functional, mature woman closer to his own age, who has either been through something similar but came out okay, or hasn't even dabbled at all? Someone who has more in common with him along the lines of intellectual and (legal) recreational interests? Someone who is fully independent but ready and willing to share a life?
Instead of worrying about his high-risk gf, he ought to explore his (in)ability to have a lasting relationship with a mature, responsible woman over whom he has no control--and question his need to have that control, in the first place.
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Shop Talk
[Read the article: It has been 10 months and he still won't say "I love you"]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]The LW is very young and inexperienced, and a drama queen (oops, theater major), to boot. I think one of the key words in her letter is “insecure.”
Apparently, she hasn’t yet learned that guys can sense insecurity a mile away (even without the hysterics and tears), and this is very off-putting to them. This goes for either sex, but emotionally healthy guys are attracted to secure, confident, happy women. So many other responders have stated quite succinctly that one can’t force a person to feel or say anything, and that, even if he does say it, if it’s coerced, it’s certainly not sincere, and will probably cause him to disappear from her life altogether.
Action usually does speak louder than words (and I say this as a word-loving person). One of my favorite “love” stories is one I heard a few years ago on the NPR radio show “Car Talk” (the Tapitt Brothers). A woman called in about her car, and she wound up relating how, when she pulled her car out of the driveway to go to work, she said “I love you” to her boyfriend, who was standing nearby. Her boyfriend responded by saying, “I gotta do something about those rust spots [on her car].” She felt despondent that he didn’t respond in kind, but the Tapitt Brothers said “Whoa! Don’t you get it! He totally DID tell you he loves you! What greater declaration of love can there be than that?!”
They, of course, got the “guy” angle of doing, rather than saying, to express love. This is something the LW should learn more about, and absorb. She should absorb the notion that, rather than sobbing to her BF that she wants to hear the words, she can do something nice for him, or let him know that she appreciates the nice things he does for her. Maybe if he feels more loved and appreciated, he’ll reciprocate, and be more comfortable with the notion of love. Or not—which she’s got to be prepared for.
Either way, she should chalk this up to experience, mature some, and come to grips with the fact that you can’t demand love from someone. She should develop a sense of self-confidence and security so that she need not demand love—but that it will come to her if she’s genuinely generous, likeable, and patient, rather than coming across as a drama queen heading for a meltdown.