Letters to the Editor
Older and Wiser
Published Letters: 56 Editor's Choice: 19
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Play a Supportive, but Objective, Role
[Read the article: Sexual harassment in art school]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I think the best course for the LW is to look up the rules & regs of the school regarding sexual harassment and the procedures for reporting it. Then, she can instruct the students as to how to proceed, and offer to ACCOMPANY them while they go about it--and say NOTHING.
This is not LW's story to tell: she wasn't there. She's not a witness. She was, however, confided in.
IMO, the best thing she can do is offer to accompany the student(s) who file(s) the complaint as a show of support and as an attempt to allay their fears. However, she should say nothing regarding the incident or her opinions, unless she herself believes that she, too, was victimized by this instructor. Only then can she tell her own story.
None of the background facts (or gossip) about this guy, his wife, the alleged history, etc., should be brought up. This has to be handled strictly as a particular incident, or more than one--and if he's done it to more than one student, let them know that numbers can count in their favor regarding a complaint.
LW, the key word here is FOCUS. Focus on the incident and the way one goes about reporting it. Be there as support, but, other than confirming that you were confided in, say nothing.
Adding rumor and drama can only damage the student's complaints, as it may taint the issue and can be distorted into an interpretation of your goading these students as some sort of vendetta--that's the last thing you want.
Once the process has begun, you'll probably no longer be directly involved. The students should be guided through the process, and, if in fact this guy is the ol' lech he's made out to be, hopefully justice will prevail.
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In Search of Maturity
[Read the article: I enlisted in the Army -- but now I've changed my mind!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]LW (female, yes? I could be wrong, but that's my impression) says,"I think I finally got things, and life, and my personality figured out to the point where I can function and not be apologetic about everything to people who don't rule me and shouldn't anyway." Then LW says she would be happy taking a "shit job" and then skipping town.
While I sympathize with the LW's desire to leave the military, what's clear is that this 18-yr-old hasn't a clue regarding responsibilities (eg drugs in college, dating an "idiot" and dropping out) and focus regarding her future. She may be brighter and more curious than her fellow townsmen, but if she's the smartest person she knows, she's got some rude shocks coming to her.
Yes, LW, leave the military, but then get yourself a serious attitude adjustment, perhaps try to get back into school WITHOUT dabbling in drugs and idiots, and make the best of a real opportunity and get some real guidance as to how to best channel your alleged smarts into something that will translate into a career.
This one sounds very impulsive and smartass. She needs to temper her impulses and use the smarts to focus on how adults make responsible decisions that lead toward successful self-support.
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Futile Attempts to Help Others
[Read the article: My brother is no good, and I've had enough!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I strongly disagree with the poster who labeled the LW "self-pitying." I think others got it right--she grew up in a very dysfunctional atmosphere, and doesn't know better than to try to be "perfect" to alleviate the pain and chaos.
I also agree with the posters who nailed the issue of both parents being alcoholic and apparently disconnected.
I haven't dealt with this in my family, but I can relate to the extent that an acquaintance of mine has a long history of dysfunction to the point where her 18-yr-old son has no direction, ambition, or interests, other than "hanging out" and remaining dependent on his mom, refusing not only to go to school, but to find work that will help pay the bills.
She's made some horrifically bad decisions (personally, financially), and at one point was at a crisis, e-mailing all her friends and nearly threatening suicide. The best I could do was to direct her to some agencies and professional offices that I thought might be of assistance. For the time being, she's landed on her feet, although not in a "real" job (don't ask), managed to sell her house (at a loss), found an apartment, and still has that albatross of a kid around her neck.
Bottom line: she continually talks about her troubles, but I think may be realizing that others cannot help her while she doesn't take serious action to improve her life. She's been "rescued" many times, and it's become a way of life for her. She's not truly independent, and it will be no surprise if she ends up in another crisis, and things won't get any easier as she gets older (she's close to 50).
It's not fun to see someone spiral downwards in free fall, but when they don't take serious steps to break their cycle (I know it seems scary, that's why I believe in professional help and support), there's simply nothing more that an acquaintance, friend, or even relative can do for them.
LW needs to look after her own family and get rid of the guilt. It's a terrible, although believable, story (and I suspect not all that uncommon). The advice others have given about co-dependent help and other resources is most valuable, and I hope LW takes it all seriously and acts on it. Today.