Letters to the Editor
Older and Wiser
Published Letters: 56 Editor's Choice: 19
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One-Dimensional BF? Probably Not.
[Read the article: I'm a med student, but my boyfriend has just a high school education]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]"It bothers me that he has been gifted with health, and a sound mind, a good supportive family, and he doesn't want to make the best of it."
The best of what? LW focuses on the BF's job and apparent lack of ambition. But does he do anything else? Does he have a day job so that he can pursue other interests, passions, like music, art, community volunteer work that wouldn't pay well professionally? Is he happy enough so that he can pay the bills and enjoy other parts of his life? Is that such a bad thing? Is he socking some money away to start his own family and/or have some security in later years?
LW's description is very limited. There are guys who can have a safe, boring job because they're boring, unambitious people. But, as stated above, there are others who use their paycheck to fuel "extracurricular" activities, the kinds that make them interesting, dynamic, and fun people. In this case, the job doesn't speak to their shallowness; it's another responsible way to approach life.
If BF's situation continually nags at LW, if she's consistently uncomfortable with it, then she may never muster the respect and affection required of a long-term relationship. But if BF is a man who has in common with her some very important values, and they're compatible in numerous ways, then maybe she can take a step back and take stock of who he really is and what she admires about him.
If, at bottom, she doesn't really respect him, then it's a done deal. She oughtn't make a commitment to someone who she can't speak of proudly in private and public. If she has to force herself to think well of him, it will never work--and he'll certainly recognize her resentment in time, if he hasn't already.
LW is certainly young enough to allow herself to meet other people. Sometimes we have to be in a different stage of life (i.e., older) to acknowledge what compatibility really means to us (more than just laughing and agreeing, although they're good things).
LW, make a list (really), think about the pros and cons. If you can't conclude that he's a man you admire and want to proudly and comfortably introduce to others with no excuses or apology, then you ought to let him go so that he can find a woman with whom he can have reciprocal affectionate and respectful feelings without condescension on either side.
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Search for Self Never Stops
[Read the article: The bosses used to monitor us on video from home]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Cary's advice is all right as far as it goes. But there are some practical things that can be done, and temping is certainly one of them.
I've just turned 55 and am in a job that's suited for me in some areas (proofreading and other document "processing") but not others (boring clerical matters). It pays me decently, is only a few miles away, has some flexibility, and allows my sons to be on my employer-subsidized health care plan. All very important.
However...for the last couple of years, I've also been a volunteer publicity director for a local orchestra. It's struggling right now, and I've had fun with being creative with publicity, but also found that I've had to raise money. I never thought I could do it, but I recently wrote and sent out a letter asking friends and city officials for modest sums, and have so far received a fairly decent response. I've realized that I can really do this, i.e., ask for money and get some, which is understandably not everyone's cup of tea.
This has led me to the cusp of developing a five-year plan for myself (I'm older and better situated--LW can move on matters more immediately), which entails exploring professional publicity and fundraising positions in the area. As time goes on, I'll develop more experience with the orchestra (hopefully they'll be able to pay me, but I'm not banking on that), which will enhance my credentials and bolster my resume.
I feel like, at this age, I still haven't discovered who I "really" am and what I'm capable of. But this only makes life more interesting.
So...by all means, LW, temp around, seek out career counseling, try to volunteer for a cause that interests you and to which you'd like to contribute your skills and talents. If you're smart and willing to work and take initiative, there's no reason to settle for jobs with abhorrent jerks for bosses who see you as nothing more than a money-making automaton.
Once you discover what your real talents are, if you get a position in which you have the satisfaction of using them, the stress (which every job has, to be realistic) won't seem like such an obstacle, because you'll be authentic to yourself and your work, and your pride in what you do will, hopefully, outweigh the pressures.
Good luck!