Letters to the Editor
Older and Wiser
Published Letters: 57 Editor's Choice: 19
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Wholly Matrimony
[Read the article: I am the keeper of secrets]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]LW - Marriage is no place for secrets. Of course, we all have our little fantasies, and they're okay if they come and go. But to have one that parks itself and won't budge (i.e., the Other Guy fantasy) means it will ultimately manifest itself in your behavior, and your husband would have to be a complete dolt not to notice.
This is no time to continue harboring your fantasy, and the person you should unburden yourself to about secrets is your husband. It's good that you've told him that you feel squished between the OG and his wife who have both confided in you and, as you feel friendly toward both of them, you don't want to betray anyone or risk hurt feelings. But how can you and he, TOGETHER, weather this situation? Perhaps you can, together, talk with OG and his wife (separately) and tell each that you agonize over their marriage falling apart, but because of the situation, you can't be effective confidantes, and they should seek counsel elsewhere. When the situation is resolved, either by divorce or reconciliation, you can then assess the friendship(s) collectively or singly. But you can't stay in the middle of the sturm und drang while it's happening. And, whatever you do, you should do it together, and make it very clear that you and your husband will not keep others' secrets from each other--you're a package deal.
A red flag was raised in my head when you said Other Guy confides in and trusts no one but you. Maybe, but it kinda sounds to me like he's playing you. I mean, how do you KNOW he doesn't trust or confide in others? How do you know he's not seeking comfort from some other select, sympathetic women? How do you know he's not playing them, and will have some to choose from if/when he leaves his wife? Okay, call me cynical, but when someone says, "You're the only..." and is ready to leave his wife, well, I'd get a bit squeamish, if I were you.
If your marriage is a good one, and sounds like it is, you oughtn't risk it by obsessing over a guy you can't have. Think of this: if OG is so disillusioned with his wife of many years and wants to leave her, how do you know, if you were his partner, he wouldn't eventually become disillusioned with you? You should lay your OG fantasy to rest and instead watch a couple of George Clooney movies, even ogling him in front of your husband. That's a whole lot safer, and even good for laughs.
Don't knock chinks into your wall of solidarity. Stick with your spouse and let everyone know you're doing so. Discourage the secret disclosures; you'll be more grounded and feel a whole lot better about yourself.
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First: Change the Locks!
[Read the article: I let a homeless man move in with me and now I can't get rid of him]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]"You acted in a sensible, compassionate way, and now you are in a mess." Cary, are you kidding? What was sensible about letting this guy back into her life?
I don't think she ought to go into a whole legal schpiel up front. I think she should find--or create--an opportunity for him to leave the house/apt and then just change the locks! And don't let him back in! Eviction, schmeviction. Her safety needs to come first, without delay. If he bangs on the door, call the cops. If he has the wherewithal, he can attempt to take legal action against her after the fact. She can deal with that then, and probably won't be given a hard time. But chances are he won't be able to. It's a sort of "shoot first, ask questions later" deal.
She should take immediate self-protective action without apology. LW, honey, you gotta let go of this guy. Like, forever. And do what Cary said about wising up to signs of alcoholism/drug abuse in others, and how to avoid them. Get help figuring out why you're attracted/sympathetic toward such a person, and how to move on and get more appropriate, productive people into your life.
Hard as it may be, you've got to write this guy off. You can be compassionate at a distance, wish him best of luck, and so on. But you've got to steel yourself against destructive (and self-destructive) behavior that will only lead you to live, unneccessarily, a miserable life.
What do you really, really want for yourself? Can you achieve that by enabling, catering to, and coddling alcoholics? The guy needs professional help, and it's a shame that our society doesn't have adequate health care for all. But you can't take the place of the pros.
Look after yourself, first and foremost. You're no good to anyone, especially yourself, if you don't get your head and your priorities straight and live your life in a way that's gratifying and productive.
No guilt!
Change the locks! Now!