Letters to the Editor
Older and Wiser
Published Letters: 56 Editor's Choice: 19
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Compulsive Behavior + Adrenaline + Shame = Disaster
[Read the article: I'm cheating on my husband and loving it. Is that a problem?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]In my opinion, LW, if you were single and wanted to sample every man that came along (especially if they were also single), then you'd have every right to do so. But you're asking if something's wrong with your behavior, and, well, yes, there's plenty wrong.
You apparently crave the "high" of doing something illicit and trying to cover it up--maybe it gives you an adrenaline rush. To my mind, it's more than just socially accepting affairs, European-style. It's destructive and damaging behavior. When you lie habitually and behave deceitfully, you become an untrustworthy person. I know a lot about living with a liar (I no longer do; divorced for 16 years), and it seems that a compulsive liar eventually gets found out. When the liar is confronted with the lie (with irrefutable proof or logic), it's pretty pathetic to hear the excuses, responses, and "turning the tables" accusations (somehow, this was your fault, not the liar's).
It seems to me, based on my experiences and readings, that there's shame lurking underneath, something so painful that it spurs deceptive behavior--it's as though the liar can't tolerate some truth or self-judgment, and covers this up by becoming a deceitful person whose only concern is him/herself, and not the damage and erosion inflicted on the other person (e.g., spouse).
You say this behavior doesn't affect your work or personal life. But you "fooled around" with a client, which you concede is unethical, but which made it all the more exciting to you. It's only a matter of time before you're bored with that level of excitement, and go on to greater high-risk behavior that will indeed affect your entire life. You will eventually be exposed for the liar and cheat that you are, and you're quite delusional if you think that this won't affect others' perception of you and how they treat you.
You don't belong in a marriage, the basis of which is trust, and you should be very concerned that this is your method of "release." There's something very wrong at the core of you, and it will eventually make you nearly completely dysfunctional. You need help to unravel your secret(s) and control your self-destructive behavior. Please get it.
I don't know if it will in fact help. I don't know whether you'll ever be capable of feeling the guilt or understanding how deeply you can hurt people by what you say and do. But it's worth a try.
And, whatever, you decide to do, for God's sake, unless you've seriously made progress in addressing this, don't have any children.
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Freaky Ads, Not-So-Freaky Costumes (Too Bad...)
[Read the article: My girlfriend's daughter is dressing like a stripper for Halloween!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Yes, I had an instance where potential malware popped up on the Salon site. Webmaster (or webmistress), take notice!
I, too, think it's a shame costumes are so sexualized. Parents still have control over their younger children. The little ones don't really, fully understand what they're conveying with "sexy" dress-up. Ye gads, why can't costumes be fun, creepy-scary, or imaginative? (Regarding the mentioned ipod costume: years ago, one of the best I ever saw on a kid was a homemade one of a floppy disk--remember those?).
I think parents who want to dress their kids "sexy" because it's trendy need to have their heads examined. The ones I know at work say their kids are being cats and bugs and other animals, and the sorts of things little kids can have fun being.
I know it feels somewhat liberating to a 16-yr-old to reveal her sexiness in a fun way. But there are creeps out there, and I actually think girls and women have more power over their sexuality when they're more modest (hold the burkas--I'm liberal and mostly secular).
Meanwhile, I painted black polish on my 15-yr-old son's nails. Tomorrow I'm painting him "Goth." I'm just so glad my kid will still let me do his makeup, and we're having fun!