Letters to the Editor
Older and Wiser
Published Letters: 56 Editor's Choice: 19
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Therapy and Morality Can Go Hand-in-Hand
[Read the article: I left an abuser, but now I'm with a married man]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I totally agree with Cary that the LW should end the relationship with the MM (now!) and take care of herself and explore (with help) the issues that have led her to such low self-esteem and susceptibility to involvement with unavailable and abusive men.
While it's true that affairs ought to be considered on a case-by-case basis, I still believe that when one has taken marriage vows, the violation of that commitment is wrong. It may sound simplistic, but in fact if you believe an act is wrong, and commit such an act, then the shame and guilt serve a purpose towards deterring such behavior in the future. And that's a good thing.
LW shouldn't feel shame in having been abused, but if she feels guilty regarding the MM, that's good, as it's but one element of sensing her own worth, who she is, and what she will stand for. If she were to refuse to get involved with another married/abusive man, she can start to analyze what her real needs are, and how she can fulfill them for herself before she lets another man into her life.
As for feeling special...I understand what the poster who wrote "you're not that special," meant, but I also think there's nothing wrong with the LW's defining and learning to appreciate what is special and distinctive about her--has she certain talents, abilities, knowledge that has been or can be put to good use, that others might admire or find beneficial? What does she enjoy on her own--books, music, movies, science, politics? How can she share these interests with people in appropriate settings, like clubs and organizations?
I know it will be a long and painful journey to get to a place where she can feel more confident and "safe" with herself, let alone with others. But even if she's not automatically responsive, her hearing "you're worth it," and "you have a separate, special identity," on a repeated basis can help her to internalize it and eventually believe it, and act accordingly.
The LW apparently knows what she really has to do, and just needs a gentle shove to get her on the right track. Don't expect an overnight miracle, but turning yourself around can happen, and finding happiness within yourself and in an appropriate, mutually beneficial relationship can happen.
LW, don't be afraid to do what you need to do. When you start to feel better about yourself, you'll attract people who feel good about you, too, and they'll show it in the nicest and most generous ways.
I wish you the best of luck.
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Nobody's Owed a Thing
[Read the article: My close friend has clammed up]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]LW, apparently this friend wanted to keep the relationship under wraps for any number of reasons: perhaps it was an experiment with sexuality, perhaps it was an illicit affair, who knows. Now it's over.
But what comes across here is something that perhaps she detected about you long ago: You're more interested in being entertained with a "narrative" (puh-leeze), than your friend's well-being. You don't even care if she changes the name, gender, age--you just want to hear something, even if it's fake. Perhaps she didn't want to share her deepest feelings and thoughts and experiences with you because you haven't really reciprocated over time, and haven't proved trustworthy with very intimate and/or potentially shocking information.
Cary is on the money about two things: that your interest can come across as offensive and invasive, and that you can tell her yet that you really care, and it was hurtful for you to be kept out of her confidence. Then take in how she reacts.
Sometimes you have to let a person close to you go through something and move on. Sometimes they'll come back to you, but sometimes not. But we all have our secrets, and if you want to maintain what you THINK is a close friendship, then you should back off, let her know you care, not press her for details, and get close in a way that lets her feel that you're caring and trustworthy (getting a mutual friend involved didn't help in that regard).
Also: How did you feel that she wasn't in touch with you during that time to see how you're doing? If she was so involved in her situation and didn't contact you for such a long time with no explanation, then just how close a friend has she considered you to be?
A mature, caring person would stand back and let someone breathe. You may have been too over-eager, curious, and overwhelming for her think of you as someone she can talk things over with confidentially in a quiet, intimate way.
The fact that your anger about not hearing what your enquiring mind wanted to know overshadows your concern for her well-being speaks volumes. Maybe you should reflect on the nature of friendship and, before you define what kind of friend she is or isn't, you should consider the kind of friend you have been all along.