Letters to the Editor
Older and Wiser
Published Letters: 56 Editor's Choice: 19
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A Point Being Missed
[Read the article: My boyfriend is checking out chicks while I'm standing right there!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Aside from the fact that ogling (I know it's not "oogling," but oogle is more fun to say) is rude and offensive to many women, and aside from the fact that the LW oughtn't to accept such behavior and let her BF know she doesn't, there's another facet that, so far as I can see, hasn't been dealt with here.
As I said in my earlier post, the LW could say that the BF's behavior makes him less attractive to HER. I like men, so I don't mean this in a snarky way, but of course men have egos and they like to be stroked--that is, praised, complimented, thought of as the bee's knees. If a man really cares about a woman, he'd like her to look up to him, to make him feel really special. I think that's fine, actually, as long as he deserves it.
So, if you were to tell a man that you find his ogling behavior offensive, and it makes him appear immature and unattractive, but at the same time you let him know that, otherwise, you think highly of him and that you're happy and proud to be with him, then that might register, but ONLY if the guy is, as they say, really into you. If the man really wants your love and approval, he'll take your regard for him and your feelings seriously, for fear that he might lose them. If there's a "threat" that you might withdraw your love and approval, he would think twice about offending or slighting you.
Yes, it's called conditional love, but the above conditions are, I believe, very reasonable, and have nothing to do with "hysterical jealousy" or some such nonsense. It's also not about "thought police" and all that garbage.
It's teaching someone to respect you without putting him down. It's letting him know that you're happy to give him the respect you'd like to receive.
If he values your respect and love and affection, he'll take this into serious consideration. If he continues to counter that you're making much ado about nothing, then move on and find a man who gets it (and who is really into you).
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Whoa - What Is It You Think You Know?
[Read the article: I have guilty knowledge about my girlfriend]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]LW, you say that the ex is an extraordinary writer--then you say that you know so much about your GF after reading his blog.
What makes you so certain that what he wrote was the truth? Maybe the ex is a fanciful writer who has used the breakup as a source of creative writing. He could have embellished on various incidents, or he could be writing fiction altogether. But even if she's confirmed the things he's written in her own words, that only speaks well of her honesty and openness. So what more could you want?
I don't think it's strange that you should find this blog--face it, when it comes to the web, rarely are there well-kept secrets. And I'm not blaming you for even looking, then reading. The thing I find strange is that, apparently, you believe everything you've read, wholesale. You don't mention anything along the lines of discovering that she's a con artist, or a felon, or some such creature that should be avoided at all costs.
All you mention is that the ex is a great writer, and thus, by extrapolation, he must be highly intelligent, artistic, witty, attractive, someone who you couldn't possibly measure up to. Have you thought that, for example, your GF is simply over him because maybe he could never get over himself? That she'd prefer a down-to-earth, sincere guy with whom she can share interests and affection without all the sturm und drang?
She's with you now, and doesn't seem to be hiding much, if anything. Why can't you just enjoy her and see where the relationship goes? If you suddenly feel "mediocre" or like "the next best thing," then the problem isn't your girlfriend--it's your lack of confidence and self-esteem. Maybe you should have that looked into.
I just don't see a serious problem here. Let yourself get to know her better, and base your opinion of her on your compatibility, openness, and comfort with each other. The most important judgment to use regarding the potential success of the relationship is your own. Don't let it be clouded by unneccessary self-doubt and a sense of inferiority.
Life is short. If you've found a good person to be with, for Pete's sake, enjoy this time of your life with her, and let things happen as they may!