Letters to the Editor
Older and Wiser
Published Letters: 57 Editor's Choice: 19
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Tell Her, Let Her Respond, and then Decide
[Read the article: My therapist is making faces at me]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]LW, absolutely you should tell your therapist how her expression distracts you. You can tell her in a way that's matter-of-fact, not insulting or offensive.
It's important for her to know that somehow you doubt her sincerity. She could, of course, be doing this naturally, not realizing how she's coming across to you (especially if she's never heard it from anyone else). Or she could lob it back to you and suggest that you have a problem with trusting people or being overly skeptical, or some such thing.
The important thing is that you tell her, and listen to her response. If it's one where she can modify her behavior to make you feel more comfortable, then perhaps you can work with that. But if she thinks it's more your problem than hers, then you should look for a therapist with whom you feel more comfortable. Or, she could just recognize that you might not work well as her patient. Therapists are, I'm sure, used to seeing some patients with whom they don't connect well, and sometimes can refer them to a colleague or two. No harm, no foul.
This you should remember: Therapists are people, too. Some are obtuse; some home in and connect well with their patients. It doesn't mean that she or he should take everything you say at face value and agree with you--that's not doing their job. But it's important, especially in the beginning, to gain your trust and help you get to a comfort zone to open up. You won't be able to do that if you're impeded by an expression or certain behavior.
If you're serious about getting help, put this right out there and deal with the response. You can either work with her, or you can't. There's nothing to be afraid of.
You deserve to get the help you need, so don't let yourself get tripped up by this and inadvertently shortchange yourself. I wish you luck.
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Doesn't the Game Playing Get Tiresome?
[Read the article: My boyfriend is checking out chicks while I'm standing right there!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I don't understand why a woman can't tell her (supposed) boyfriend, "when you stare after other women when you're with me, I find that rude and disrespectful. I understand your noticing an attractive woman now and then, but your compulsive unthinking habit really makes you less attractive to me."
Women will be treated the way they allow men to treat them. If a woman accepts or plays into a man's objectionable behavior, he won't take seriously that it's offensive to her. She can lighten up a bit when he notices someone and even agree that the other woman's attractive, but over all a man should have enough respect to keep his attention on his partner and let her know that she's the apple of his eye.
I'm 54, my BF's 55. When I know a man really loves me, I have no need to be or feel jealous. In fact, I'm usually the one who says, "Oh, I think she's nice-looking, or I think [an acquaintance] is very pretty." He knows that he can comment about another woman without my going into a frenzy.
However, when we're out in public, he only has eyes for me, and he'd never think of checking out or staring after other women. He doesn't find them more attractive than I am, at any rate. And we can certainly mix and mingle at a party or social event without hanging on to each other--we encourage each other's socializing as individuals, especially as we don't have trust issues.
So--old-fashioned, fuddy-duddy, call me what you will. I say that a boy can't become a man until he understands what it means to be a gentleman who can keep his attention on the lady he's with, without sniffing after every female that passes by.
If he continues to do that, maybe a rolled-up newspaper would come in handy.
Tell him he can't be special to you until he demonstrates that no one can take you out of the limelight. If that's too difficult for him, then perhaps you should look for a man and cut your losses with the boy.