Letters to the Editor
Older and Wiser
Published Letters: 56 Editor's Choice: 19
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What's Wrong with Being Honest?
[Read the article: Can I have my wedding money now?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Cary, your sense of subterfuge irritates the heck out of me. How do you know that the mother's money for her daughter represents "her hopes, her dreams," and all that wedding-related crap?
I think the LW is being sensible. She can sit down with Mom and say something like this: "Mom, you and Dad did a wonderful thing with my sisters' weddings. Things for me aren't working out the same...I'd like to get married someday, but it's not going to be in the immediate future. In light of that, if I were to have the money now that was set aside for a wedding, I'd pay off debts and have a down payment. Then, should I find someone to marry, he and I will arrange to pay for it ourselves and not incur any additional costs for you. This would make me very happy, and I hope you think it's a reasonable request."
Mom can say yes or no, but why on earth wouldn't she at least consider it as logically and rationally as her daughter does?
Cary's response also implies that Mom should shell out more for the wedding in addition to the requested financial assistance. C'mon...that wouldn't be fair; she should be able to hold on to her assets for her old age. Mom and daughter can agree on an amount that will be a one-time gift. Then the daughter's on her own, just like (presumably) her sisters are.
Cary's assumption that Mom's heart will be broken if there's no Cinderella wedding is rather out of whack. I'd be willing to bet that Mom would be delighted with such a sensible request, and happy that her daughter will think carefully about a relationship before committing herself to marriage!
If honesty were ever the best policy, this is an example of a very appropriate opportunity to prove it.
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You're the MOM! (Cary's Right)
[Read the article: I have the hots for my stepson]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Cary is totally right about this young man's experimenting with flirtatious, persuasive, and alluring behavior. He's right to advise the LW to keep this all in perspective, and to keep her troubling feelings to herself.
I have two sons, 20 and 15, and, believe me, sons do this with their own (biological) mothers, as well--especially when they want something. It's the equivalent of a daughter "flirting" with Daddy to get what she wants.
It has nothing to do with a sexual attraction to the mom--it's an acting out, experimenting, testing the boundaries. It's natural for all children to do this, and it's up to the parents to keep those boundaries in place.
When I see young, attractive men, I admire them, but tend to feel maternal toward them. Sometimes I just think about how I diapered my gorgeous son's tushy--and believe me, that can knock the eroticism out of anything!
In addition, if you DO say anything to your stepson, it will totally freak him out. He's not seeing you as a real sexual object, but filtering his own sexuality through your responses. Therefore, letting him know you're attracted to him will scare him to death, and he'll retreat and no longer seek your company. Your company, that of a responsible, caring, female adult, is very valuable to him. You should be very flattered that he wants to spend time with you to figure out how to act--and not act--with a woman. You can show him, by example and approval or disapproval, what acceptable behavior is and isn't. In fact, he's counting on you to do that.
I'm very affectionate and fun with my sons, but I also command their respect. This is not only about how to treat their mother, but it's "practice" for their relationships with all girls and women in the present and future--girlfriends, wives, women in positions of authority, women who need help.
Let your stepson enjoy your company as a caring, responsbile, fun adult--it's up to you to set this example so that he can go out in the world and be one of the "good guys," the kind that attracts the best in women.
And, as Cary said, you should make an arrangement for you and your husband to work out your own intimacy problems. Leave the kids--all the kids--out of it.
Good luck.