Letters to the Editor
Older and Wiser
Published Letters: 56 Editor's Choice: 19
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Call an Agricultural Digging Implement an Agricultural Digging Implement
[Read the article: My wife was having an emotional affair for years behind my back]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]LW states, "I don't think this is adulterous." Well, yes, actually, it is.
Cary states, "[Marriage] is a contract not between people but between souls." Well, marriage vows tend to take in the whole person, body, mind, heart and soul. And souls don't sign contracts, people do.
Also: "Of course your wife is acting crazy. That is to be expected." 'Scuse me? Why is that to be expected? The only reason the LW should expect it is not because of LUUURRRRVE, but because of his wife's unstable track record, and perhaps mental illness (e.g. manic-depression).
Cary also says, "Put more prosaically, she needs more attention from more men. I'm not sure there is anything wrong with that, per se." Now here's where Cary really doesn't get it. This is not about a woman craving the spotlight or basking in the admiration of male friends and acquaintances. It's the SECRECY with which she goes about these affairs (I'm not so willing to believe they were never physical, but that's a moot point in all this).
The wife acts fervently and in a clandestine manner. If she just craved attention, she could get it openly amongst friends in social settings without all the Sturm und Drang of the disappearances, phone calls, texting, and sudden confessions. How Cary translates acting appropriately in a marriage, even basking in others' attention, into a ball-and-chain of severed ties and closed windows is beyond me. How on earth does he justify the leap from social butterfly to adulteress?
The wife's problem goes much deeper than just wanting attention. It's not social--in fact it's anti-social, as it blatantly disrespects her husband and their marriage, not to mention their daughter's well-being.
The LW's problem is that he somehow still believes that this vivacious, sharp woman is worthy of his love and attention. He thinks he's somehow at fault, and there must be a fix in there, somewhere. I doubt it.
The wife is certainly setting a horrible example for their daughter, and the LW is doing the same by putting up with this behavior. He should find a therapist for himself to figure out why he puts up with so much abuse and doesn't believe he's worthy of a more stable, mature, reciprocal relationship.
Crazy, yes. But it ain't love. Give it a real name so you can start to define it accurately with open eyes and move on.
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We Need Our Atheists!
[Read the article: Is atheism dead?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I don't mean to sound flip--many posters here so far have written very thoughtful, philosophical responses. I'd like to bring my own response into this, which perhaps could be called "pragmatic" (or not--it's late, I'm tired).
I was not raised religiously, but I don't reject my own Jewishness. That being said, I'm sort of an agnostic, one who gets comfort from attending Yom Kippur services. Go figure.
I wonder if the LW has at all been influenced by the trumpeting and blatherings of the (seeming) hordes of self-righteous people who would proclaim allegiance to their religion before, say, to the most profound (if at times dysfunctional) democracy on the face of the earth. The same people who are just such great guys and yet think nothing of starting unecessary wars, bilking people out of zillions of hard-earned dollars with their crooked corporations, or letting fellow Americans die rather than costing their health insurance employers a few bucks. Oh, and let's not forget the cheating spouses in public service, who all seem to find forgiveness from somewhere, except the (usually) wives who come to their senses and file for divorce.
The atheists I have personally met are among the most ethical, principled people I've come across. Their sense of propriety comes from within their HUMANITY, rather than from fear of fire-and-brimstone or not getting admitted through the pearly gates. When people get hammered with how much they might "sin," then sinning often become more tempting. In a religion where you just have to confess and/or mutter a few incantations in order to be absolved, the sinning becomes increasingly meaningless.
The "godless" person who lives a moral and ethical life does so because he/she has no desire to hurt others, because he/she wants to contribute and find meaning within himself/herself and in everyday activities as well as extraordinary circumstances. Such a person may be very familiar with the Bible and other religious writings, but can take on an intellectual view of the world that speaks to the reason that's so sorely needed. This is not someone who insists that the earth is six thousand years old.
And yet--can you imagine an atheist attempting to run for President?! It would never wash! No matter how intelligent, how reasonable, how clear-eyed and wise such a candidate might be, if he or she's an atheist, they're cooked! To such an extent has the so-called religious masses amongst us hijacked our democratic process.
I do think we all have something very human about us, that sometimes manifests itself by different phenomena: deja vu, premonitions, apparitions, voices (I'm not speaking of schizophrenia, but things many average people experience). Some might refer to these phenomena as "spiritual." Personally, I don't mind that. But it could also just be "human."
LW, I don't think I can solve your present dilemma. But let me just say that if you're a giving person who contributes to society in one way or another, if you have friends and loved ones, if you seek to hurt no one deliberately and live according to your internal sense of ethics and morals, then you will indeed be remembered well, which is one way to think of an "afterlife." It exists in human memory.
Not all religious people are "dumbed down" or rigid and simplistic in their beliefs. But I'd rather deal with an ethical atheist than a hypocritical, blowhard, sanctimonious, anti-intellectual fear monger any day.
I do hope you evaluate yourself for the good person you most likely are and find the inner peace you're seeking.