Letters to the Editor
Older and Wiser
Published Letters: 56 Editor's Choice: 19
-
Questions, Ending With "Are You Completely Nuts?"
[Read the article: A 19-year-old wants my husband]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I understand how any of us can come across a disaster of a person who reminds us of our own past mistakes, foibles, crises, and near-misses. LW sounds like a sympathetic, empathetic person who's had some raw nerves rattled by learning of a young woman who apparently mirrors some of LW's own past.
I frankly also don't get the "poly" thing ("open marriage"?). I'm monogamous by nature, and I don't get the point of being married if it's perfectly okay to screw around. Others may argue otherwise, but that's me.
Nonetheless, I've got to take several quotes one at a time, as some things she's said are more than mind-boggling to me:
"She knows that we're poly, and she knows that he's into BDSM, which she apparently has a bit of a leaning toward (their boss, a woman, is also into BDSM and has been talking to her about it)." How do these people know so much about each other's sex lives in the workplace? What kind of place is this, anyway?
"She frequently calls and texts him, usually to regale him with stories of how trashed she got the night before (or is right now)." He's a married man and a father. Why didn't he put a stop to this immediately, rather than encourage her?
"From what my husband has told me about her..." Have you ever questioned your husband about why he's telling you so much about her, why he's so preoccupied with her? Not a single red flag has risen in your head?
"She's going out pretty much every night, getting drunk and taking pretty much whatever drugs the people she is with are putting in front of her." This is a girl you'd want to take into your home? How old are your children? Don't you think that your inviting such a disaster into your house will cause heartache for them? Why do they deserve such a destructive intrusion into their lives?
"She's going to get pregnant" Hopefully not by your husband.
"She's going to catch an STD of some sort" Hopefully not from your husand.
"Somebody is going to put meth in front of her..." Hopefully not your husband.
"I feel pretty confident that her knowing where we live would result in drunken 2 a.m. drop-bys...and I don't really want to invite that particular brand of drama into my -- and my kids' -- lives." Well, duh. Then--what's the word I'm looking for?--Oh, yeah--Don't.
"The mother in me wants to take care of this girl..." The mother in you should be taking care of your own children, especially by not exposing them to this train wreck, no matter how sorry you feel for her.
"Part of me wants to tell my husband to broach the subject of a dominant/submissive relationship with her, because he feels pretty strongly that if he did, she would do what he told her to do." WTF?!? Your marriage already appears to be threatened, and you want to toss your husband over to her? Do you have any sense of boundaries whatsoever?
LW doesn't say that she's actually met this girl, so all the info must come from her husband, which means that her impulse is to get involved with a total stranger who she only knows about second-hand as a sad, potentially disastrous case. She doesn't question her husband's stories or apparent involvement with this person. There's nothing she's witnessed with her own eyes, so she has no direct evidence on which to base a sound judgment or interpretation. Yet she's willing to entertain the possibility of this person taking up their time, intruding on their marriage, children, household, in one way or another.
LW, you seem like a nice person who lacks the instinct to protect hearth, home, and family. You direct your maternal instincts toward danger, as opposed to protecting your own children. You seem to want to invite disaster for everyone. In that light, as harsh as it sounds, I must ask:
Are you completely nuts?