Letters to the Editor
Older and Wiser
Published Letters: 56 Editor's Choice: 19
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Cary Didn't Answer the Question...
[Read the article: My husband read my journal]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I agree with Cary and others that EVERY PERSON is entitled to private thoughts, journals, and the like. Marriage does not eradicate one's individuality in any way. Trust is an important and crucial factor, but trust does not connote baring every syllable of every thought to another person, spouse or otherwise.
However, Cary did not respond to LW's question of what she should do now that the journal horse has left the barn.
IMO, it's not that complicated. She can tell her husband, truthfully, that she had to work out every worst-case scenario and every negative in her head before being able to reach her certainty that marrying him was the right thing to do. Being in love doesn't mean being blind to all faults and foibles, all quirks and irritants. It means working things out so that the whole person can be accepted and loved just the way he/she is. She can tell her husband that, while some things sound unflattering, they were expressions of the moment, and she probably hasn't even thought of him that way since, as she's so happily married.
The journal is a PROCESS, not a condemnation. She used it as a process to bring her to the point of a happy marriage. Hopefully, he's mature and intelligent enough to grasp this.
If anyone owes anyone an apology, it is he for snooping, albeit that's an all-too-human trait. If she can forgive him for that, he should certainly "forgive" unflattering thoughts or commentary that were only an expression of working out a decision, and not of present-day insult or ridicule.
She can just tell him that she decided she loves him the way he is, and made the right decision to marry him. Hopefully, that's the way things will remain.
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Defining One's Unhappiness
[Read the article: Should I stay in my marriage?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]There are too many details that are omitted from this letter to say, simply, "stay" or "go." I think it's natural for all married people to feel, at some point, that they're "stuck," or think, "is that all there is?" Doesn't make them bad people. Of course, the children's well-being should be of paramount concern.
I can only say that, in my case, I've been divorced for 10 years. There's no question that my children (now 20 and 15 yrs) suffered for it, especially my younger one, who's still working out anger and frustration issues with appropriate assistance and participation of his father and myself. I don't minimize his feelings or his having to work through it all. (My older one is doing better, and has done very well in college and at his fledgling career).
However, I must state candidly that I don't think I would have been a better mother by staying married (BTW, my ex is the one who filed and started the process). At this writing, the kids have their father (he's local), and he and I communicate regularly. But he's being treated for clinical depression, and has been unemployed for years at a time (and is, at this time). He has a passive-aggressive personality, and as time went on, he seemed to only increasingly resent my gregariousness, sociability, and modest accomplishments. True, I wasn't always a bargain to live with, but it was a two-way street. The WORST, most erosive aspect was his compulsive lying. That, and his inability to face that and other problems, was, in my view, the primary basis of the dysfunction in the marriage.
Since the divorce, I've remained employed (at different jobs, but fairly steadily, and am now), volunteer for two organizations, and have a great guy in my life who likes and respects my sons.
This is my most important point, which counters Cary's: My kids see that I work, volunteer, and have a respectful, affectionate, and honest relationship. I am happier with myself than I have been in decades. I've been using and enjoying more of my talents and abilities. My own self-respect makes me, frankly, a better mother. My boys see what a woman can accomplish, and I hope I'm a role model in that regard.
If I had stayed married, there would have been much more fighting, arguing, unhappiness, and stress in their lives. They might not have gotten this far, or might have run off to escape the unhappiness. By dealing honestly with the divorce, they have the chance to develop themselves and be supported by a mother who, because of no distractions due to constant turmoil, can focus on their needs more actively and coherently.
It is a paradox of sorts. One would like to wish that the marriage and family could have stayed intact. I never totally lose the guilt that's part of the divorce "package." But I honestly feel that I've made better choices, become more functional, and developed myself more, both as an individual and a well-functioning parent.
Yes, it's a shame that it happened that way, but I chose to move on and make the best of my life. It's the best way I know to communicate to my children that they have a lot of time now and ahead of them to make their own choices for a happy and fulfilling life--one that may even include marriage.